Bariatric Surgery. Almost 3 years later.

Well, I thought it's time for an update.

Second surgery. Post op, Sept. 2013.

3 YEARS AGO.

First... for those reading about my journey for the first time, you can start at the beginning by heading back to my posts in September of 2013.  I'm finding that overall, my blog has truly been about trying to find a way to be the best me I can be, and hopefully encourage someone along the way.

I have definitely failed along the way.  I am learning to love "fails" because that's where I learn the most.

And... I've realized that the more I stand up for what I believe in, the more I have "haters", but... I have also been incredibly moved and touched by people that can relate to me, so it has been worth it.

Hair loss 3 months after
the first surgery.

So, I'd like to talk about one of those "fails".  

FAIL.

Bariatric surgery.  If you know my story, you'll know that my surgery went horribly wrong in September of 2013.  I almost died (internal bleeding post op).  I missed 6 months of work.  I had 2 corrective surgeries following the initial surgery.  I was malnourished.  I lost my hair.  My nails broke. That's the short version.

I lost 47 lbs in 4 months.  As I continued to have corrective surgeries, and deal with the after effects, I started gaining weight back.  One lb, then another.  No big deal.  Until I realized in April of this year, that I had already gained back 20 lbs.  I gained back almost half of what I lost, not even 3 years after the surgery.

LESSONS LEARNED.

Today, I have lost 10 of those 20 lbs gained.  I've done so with a very disciplined eating plan and exercise.  And once again, it hasn't been easy.  The doctors told me that the surgery was just a tool. And now, I know they were telling me the truth.  And the truth is, that I am still a food-addict.  I still go to chips and chocolate for comfort (and I'm still working at changing that).

REGRET.

Me, 1998.  My heaviest.

People often ask me if I regret getting the surgery.  That's a tough question.  I regret the pain it caused my family.  I regret the stress it put on my workplace.  I regret the physical and emotional pain of the journey.  However!!  It changed me.  I learned from it all.  I became stronger mentally and emotionally.  I would not be who I am today if I had not gone through this journey.  I grew personally, spiritually.

ADDICTION.

I've learned that there is no quick fix. An addiction is an addiction. In order to fix it, you have to get to the root.  Addiction fills a void, we have all heard it before.  It has become more real to me.  I'm trying to transfer my addiction to healthy things, including exercise, education, healthy relationships, and spending time with God.  I'm still on the journey to love myself just the way I am, but also to love myself enough to take good care of my mind, body, and spirit, which I believe is all connected.

TODAY.

This is me today.  A full head of hair and strong nails.  Still overweight and still educating myself on how to be healthy.  Learning every day.  Failing every day.  But loving myself more and more as I just let myself be me.

I share this all in hopes that it will help someone somewhere. xoxo

*A note to those considering Bariatric Surgery.
Most people that have had this surgery have had success. But for most, there comes a time when its not s free ride anymore. It does become hard work to keep the weight off, and it's a very emotional journey. There can be health complications and I deal with those to this day.  My ultimate advice would be, if you can do it without the surgery, do!  If you need the help, go for it!  Know what the complications could be. Educate yourself.  And know that ultimately you will eventually have to get to the root of why you have a struggle with food.  Otherwise, even with the surgery, the weight will come back!

I would love to talk to anyone that has questions about the surgery or otherwise.  Please email me at conniebailey@live.ca.

Revelation on beauty please!!

This post is for the ladies. However, men, feel free to give this post a read as well. Perhaps it will help you to understand us crazy ladies a little better. ;)
My search for true beauty began many years ago with my own insecurity driving the search.
Since then I have come to understand beauty in a way that I never even knew existed. I'm now beginning to see to what extent that this world sees beauty in the wrong light.
God IS beauty.  That has been my revelation.
Yeah, yeah, we all know he is beautiful. But, ladies, true revelation on this will change your lives! And WE are in this together.
He is the only thing beautiful. And the cool thing is that when you begin to understand that, you begin to see Him in all things. Even the "ugliest" human on earth has beauty. God made them. They just don't know their beauty... yet. Every person's gift, talent, mind, heart, is so entirely beautiful. Music, voices, smiles, personalities... I could go on. Everything good comes from God, and He is beautiful.
So, why is it then, that we women, who (let me be frank) have been comparing ourselves to the girls in the magazines, have not been loving ourselves.
Something that made my heart sink last weekend while I was at a Propel Women conference is... well... picture this:
4000 women gather in a church to seek God. It's a leadership conference. These women are there because they love God, and they want to grow in their faith and in leadership.
The very well known speaker, Christine Cain, says out of faith:
"Be good Christians, and bow your heads... Don't look up".
She continued to invite anyone who was considering sleeping with a man to keep him, to be bold and raise her hand so that we can pray for them. What happened next shocked and saddened me.
Of course I was thinking "wow, who would raise their hand in this crowd of female Christian leaders". Christine continued on "Thank you, thank you, thank you for raising your hand. We will pray for you."
She said two dozen women raised their hands. She continued with encouraging words to say to these beautiful women ... as my mind wandered off.
My heart sunk.  
It got me thinking about all the women that were not bold enough to raise their hands. It got me thinking about all of the women (not just women, Christian women) that do not see themselves as valuable enough to honor their bodies. How many Christian women are exploiting themselves on the internet RIGHT NOW. I am confident that someone reading this right now is living this first hand. (My goal is not to condemn or judge you. My goal is to pour out the love of Jesus on you and tell you, you have more value then that!! And I am praying you have revelation on your beauty and worth!)
And if you are a man that has been reading this and I still have your attention, let me challenge you to see beauty for what it really is. True beauty is much more satisfying!
One of my favorite verses of all time is John 10:10, because it quickly describes the consequences of our choices. Choose God, or choose satan. Because every choice we make is doing one or the other.
So what now? 
Ask God to show you. Ask God to show you how beautiful He is. Ask for the Holy Spirit to speak to you and show you how His beauty exists in you. It is THEE most fulfilling. And please, accept God's grace! He can and will fix anything. He is the Healer!
I also want you to know something. I could have been that girl that raised her hand at the conference. In fact, I used to be that girl!

John 10:10 A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of. 

Submit to your husbands!!!

A lot of us cringe at that statement.  But when you look deeper into it, it's actually kinda fun!  Let me explain...

1 Peter 1:3 says "wives, submit yourself to your own husbands..."

My pastor once said that "submit" means to "come alongside"; be a team.  I looked up the word submit in it's original Greek and it said "a voluntary attitude of giving in, assuming responsibity, and carrying a burden".  I LOVE THAT!!

I see it this way.  Hubby comes home from work, it was a stressful day, and he starts talking about it.  I listen!  The house is clean (less stress on him), and supper is waiting.  He gets to tell me about all the issues he's had all day, and then what happens?  The answer comes later in the verse: "if some (husbands) disobey the Christian message, they will be won over".

Something happens.  God is able to work in him, through you!

My house is by no means clean every day.  Supper is NOT ready for him every day.  I am by no means 100% supportive when I should be.  But winning him over to God sounds like some fantastic incentive to do what I can on my end!

(For more read 1 Peter 3:1-6!) ;)

God doesn't lie!

Jesus Wept.

Jesus wept.
-John 11:35

We've all seen the shortest verse in the bible.  Weeping.  If Jesus did it, we should do it.

"We live in a tearless society. Compassion runs low. We rarely weep.  We are desensitized to reality, partly because we have been conditioned by TV not to believe it, or to see evil as ordinary. We watch murder and violence every night on little boxes in our living rooms, and we are used to it. We sit with TV dinners, watching the new news reports of worldwide hunger, followed by commercials for gourmet cat food, and we don't take anything seriously."
-Lester Sumrall

Lord, teach me to have compassion. Teach me to weep like you wept.

My Garden

Sometimes we make the wrong choices.  Mistakes.  Some are little.  Some are huge.  And it seems like, the bigger the mistake, the bigger the consequence.  We reap what we sow.

I shared my testimony the other day.  The response was interesting.  "I thought your life was perfect" one person said.  If you only knew.

This week, the enemy tried to put me back into my old way of thinking.  "You haven't changed" were the thoughts running through my head.  "You are not worthy to talk to God" echo'd in my mind.

Lies.

That's what satan does.

The best part is, we reap what we sow.  I began the journey of sowing good seed 19 years ago.  Today, I see beautiful growth.  I see sturdy trees, beautiful shrubs, and new flowers blooming in my life.  I do sometimes see weeds trying to creep back in.  But the good has taken over the garden!

So, when satan lies to me, I plant more good seed.  And I'm so thankful for my friends that take time to water and shine light on my garden!

Radio today, bouncy castles tomorrow!

Well, I was surprised (yet not) when someone I admire and respect approached me about a job a few weeks ago.  Not just a job, but a job that was tailor made for my skills and personality.   I'm what they need and they are what I need.  We agreed, "a God thing" is what it was.

Although content in my job, I have been telling close friends that I know I won't work in radio forever.  In the last few weeks I spoke with my boss and some folks in upper management, that radio is going in one direction and I am going in another.  Although I am proud of the quality of radio we present, I am not proud of some of the content; the songs. I understand radio is radio.  Radio is not changing.  I am.  I just believe in speaking life giving words. That's my life's long term goal.  There are some good songs that we play for sure.  But the songs that are degrading to humans make my heart sad.  The truth is that I never listen to the radio stations that I DJ.  Praise & worship is what I love most.

Recently I had the opportunity to fill in on CHVN. A dream job.  I love what they stand for.  Being on CHVN and being able to encourage and speak life was an amazing experience.  However, I've learned that there was no chance of a permanent place for me there.  It was a sad reality for me.  And then going back to pop and country was disheartening for me.

Yet I learned to be content.  Knowing that for now, this is where I needed to be.  I learned to trust God.

And then I got the call. :)

I tried stepping away from radio in 2005 and 2010.  Radio is an addictive thing!  There's many years I depended on radio for self worth.  I would leave and come back, leave and come back.  I'm happy to say that my job no longer defines me.  I feel free from this "radio addiction".  :)  It's time for a change.

I am so grateful to radio.  In the 15 years I spent at GWB, it has grown and improved by leaps and bounds as have I.  And I had an amazing "radio father" who was full of encouragement and mentoring.  His people skills, wisdom, support, encouragement, and kindness is something I will always admire and take with me.  My boss, but more so, my friend, is an incredible person.  Always learning, never afraid to be wrong, and continually working to be a better person and employee.  I have made so many amazing lasting friendships through radio!

I can't say I will never do radio again.  Never say never.  I did love it!  But for right now, I know in my heart it's over, and that thought brings me great peace.

To the people I've worked with:  fellow employees, listeners, and the amazing people I've met through community events, THANK YOU.  My life is richer because of you!  See you around!!

Soon I will be a part of an amazing new team who's job is to bring joy and make people smile.  I'm SO pumped!

Guess what she said!!

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.  Proverbs 17:22

A crushed spirit doesn't sound very fun.  I think I would rather have physical pain than have someone gossip about me.  When people say negative things, or exaggerate, tell lies or even negative truth (whatever it may be), it is serious cause for hurt.

You have probably felt this yourself at some point in your life.  And the sad truth is that you and I may have put someone into this same boat!

So the questions I am asking today are:
How do I (we) NOT allow slander to tear us down?
How do I (we) develop into a person that believes the best and ALWAYS build people up (no matter what!)?

The answers go hand in hand.  And this is a high calling.

GET OVER IT.

Easier said than done.

In my last post I quoted James 1:2. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."

I think joy is found in complete dependence on God.  I think God sometimes purposely leads us to places where we feel alone to bring us to Him.  Truly humbling.  And sometimes, truly needed.  Truly awesome!  

God gives us a promise:  Isaiah 54:17  "No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; And every tongue that accuses you in judgment will be condemned. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, And their vindication is from Me," declares the LORD.  Thank you Jesus.  He's got this.  He's the vindicator!  When gossip happens to us, we don't need to defend ourselves.

God has been working on my heart about the toxins of slander for some time now.  He puts it in the same category as murder and adultery (Mark 7:21-22).  It's probably one of satan's biggest weapons.  It's subtle.  And so very damaging, especially in the church!  A friend reminded me this morning that our tongue has the power of life or death.  (Proverbs 8:21)  It is a killer.  It kills love.  It kills trust.  It kills relationships.  Sometimes we don't even know we are doing it.  

BE AWARE.

It takes strength, wisdom, and true commitment to walk away from slander.  God has advice for us:  "Bless those that curse you...", "Pray for those who mistreat you...", "Build each other up...", "Love never fails...",   "Believe the best...".  (1 Peter 3:9, Luke 6:28, Eph. 4:29, 1 Cor. 13)   

We have work ahead of us!

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  Colossians 3:12-13

Gossip happens all the time.  We won't be able to stop it in other people.  But we can change what we do and how we react.  We all make mistakes and there will be people that hold those against us (or others).  We need to be strong enough to walk away or to say something positive.  We need to keep strong supportive people around us so that it does not tear us apart when it happens to us.  We need to remember how God sees us and ALSO how God sees the people around us.  We need to spend time with God in order to find strength to stand up to this ugly beast.  

My tongue has the power to make or break someones day (and actually have strong influence in a life!).  I truly hope I can keep that at the forefront of my mind!!

Post Op - Surgery #3

Life comes with lessons to make us stronger.

God teaches us stuff.  Stuff like He is in control and more importantly WE ARE NOT.  And stuff like people won't always get you OR what you are going through and THAT IS OK (because He is in control).  Stuff like He's on our side.  And stuff like "God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love him" - Romans 8:28.

Surgery update:  While inside me to repair multiple hernias, doctors discovered that my intestines had grown to my abdominal wall.  They had to dissect them away and place a mesh in between.  I thought my hospital stay would be 0-1 night, but I stayed for 3.  I thought my time away from work was going to be 3 weeks, but in the end it will be 7.

My new puppy (Lola) has been keeping
me company while on medical leave. <3

CONSIDER IT PURE JOY, my brothers and sisters when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete , not lacking anything.  - James 1:2-4

I'll take one order of PURE JOY please!  I will admit, I have been lacking in the joy department. 

Caught off guard!! I was expecting this surgery to be a walk in the park,  Well, I still can't walk properly.  :)  There has been a lot of pain.  More than I had anticipated.  I have been in and out of ER for pain control as my intestines struggle to heal.

I'm still not able to swim, but SO thankful to spend time in this
place hanging out with my kids and enjoying the sun!!

And the people respond!  There are people that have been wildly compassionate (like, bring me to tears supportive!!!) and then wildly heartless (I have not done well with that!!  Just sayin'.).  But just as I am, humans are human.  Still, I sometimes think a hurting heart is more painful than physical pain.  (One day I'm going to ask God how that works!!)  I would prefer no pain.  :)

Guilt?  Yes, unfortunately. I have dealt with extreme guilt on missing more work and my mind has been racing about the reaction of my amazing coworkers that are pulling extra shifts because of my absence.  And then God said "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ" - Romans 8:1.  If only I could get that into my heart!!

So, time to find that JOY God is talking about!

My deck is my healing place.  

This last year has been so full of trials.  I basically fell into a minor depression since this last surgery.  This time around I have been selfish and losing perspective.  I have been fearful, and I strongly believe fear is the opposite of faith.

A place of fear is NOT where I want to be!

So today I choose thankfulness!!  I thank God for growth!  I am so thankful that I have gotten to know Him better.  I'm thankful for learning about humility and the importance of it, and I want to learn more.  I am thankful to have learned that I have so much more healing to do in my heart, and that the more I heal, the more I will be able to share the love of God.  I'm thankful that I've learned that I have a long way to go, but I can enjoy myself where I am today.  I am thankful ALWAYS for God's grace and mercy!  

And I choose faith.  He's got this!!

(I still get asked the question "Do you regret having the surgery back in Sept?"  The answer is still "no regrets".  Why?  Because what happened to me is rare.  And the life lessons I've learned through this was worth every trial!!)

When bariatric surgery goes bad...

Tomorrow it's one more surgery for me!

My story is unique.  I can safely say that I am the 1% of bariatric surgery goers that had a seriously bad experience.  I look back now at everything that happened to me in fall of last year and I must say I do NOT have fond memories.  I have calculated that by the end of June I will have missed 5 months of work in a 10 month period.  (I am so grateful to my kind and understanding employers!!)

My journey continues with surgery tomorrow, AKA my birthday - happy birthday to me! :) Side effects continue to impact my life due to the lack of nutrition I received last fall.  I discovered in January an odd bulge on my abdomen.  I was soon diagnosed with double hernia.  It is a direct result of my body not healing properly because I lack of nutrition.  My abdominal cavity did not heal. 

For some this would be a terrible thing.  For me, life happens and I deal with it.  So be it.

Normally this does NOT happen with bariatric surgery.  The main reason I was so malnourished is because of the damage the internal bleeding did to my organs back in Sept.  I sure have learned a lot about our bodies and how they work; how nutrition is important, etc. since all this has happened. 

When I tell people my story I am often told to take vitamins.  I assure you, I pump my body full of vitamins every day - triple the regular dose, by doctors orders.  Doctors check my vitamin levels regularly.  My system is still building up.

Happy to say my hair is growing in thick and my nails are doing ok.  That has been one of the most noticeable side effects.  

Which brings me to tomorrow: surgery to fix my abdomen.  They will mend the "holes" in my stomach cavity and place a mesh panel in my abdomen.  Prayers are appreciated!  I am looking forward to having my "babies" removed (as I have lovingly been referring to the lumps on my tummy!).

Hopefully after this I can get on with life normally!  :)

For those seeking bariatric counsel: 

Yes, it has all been worth it!  Being nearly "thin" is a different life entirely.  I won't say that it makes me love myself more.  I had already discovered how to love myself before surgery.  I truly believe you need to love yourself for your inside.  The outside will NOT effect your love for yourself - I find this is the hardest lesson!  (I feel another post coming on on this topic!)  But the overall healthy feeling, the respect you get when you walk in a room, the increased energy, the cheap clothes, etc., THAT is all super fun!  It's a total blessing!  Not having to worry about emotional eating... It's so worth it.  

Most people who get the surgery I had will not suffer the way I did.  Over all I would advise those who have fought with weight in their lifetime and lost the battle, to go for it.  It's worth the challenges along the way.  And now, in Manitoba, it is a 3 year wait, which gives you plenty of time to mentally prepare for the ton of changes ahead. 

This journey has been QUITE the mental journey!  Addiction transfer is very real.  I have seen people do this surgery in a mentally healthy way, but I've also seen people deal with it in a mentally unhealthy way.  I personally have been taking advantage of the counselling that has been available to me through the program which has been a huge help!  I am doing well, but only because I have spilled my ever living guts out to counselors and been real and transparent, dealing with the hard stuff. 

No further details will be disclosed at this time. :) But I have discovered that I deserve to be healthy and trim and I am also capable of handling the weight loss and food addiction in a mentally healthy way!   

With that I will try and have a good night sleep and tomorrow at 6 A.M. I am off to Boundary Trails Health Centre for repair.  I then will be MIA on the airwaves once again for some time.

Until later!!  God bless!!

This love. It's personal!

This little restaurant had a lasting

impact on our lives!

 A few weeks ago Kylee and I experienced the power of God's love through an amazing couple at a small restaurant in Winnipeg.  I never tire of these miracle stories of the most powerful thing on earth - God's love!

I picked Kylee up for supper and she suggested we try something new on Ellice.  We read the sign that said "Juliana Pizza - Greek/Jamaican Food"!

We laughed.

Greek!  A language Kylee has been studying for 3 years at U of W.

Jamaican!  My husband and children's roots!

Pizza! Who doesn't love Pizza!


What a perfect combo!

We had no idea of the impact that these store owners were about to have on our lives.

We walked in to what was a surprisingly
BEAUTIFUL restaurant!

We walked in to what was a surprisingly BEAUTIFUL restaurant and was greeted by a smiling Jamaican lady with a thick accent (just like great grandma Bailey)!  She said to us "Sorry, we are closing in 10 minutes".  We were disappointed.  I asked if I could take a few pictures before we left.

The Greek pizza was amazing!

She came back a few minutes later and said "My husband and I will stay open for you.  What would you like to eat?"

We were so moved by that act of kindness and quickly ordered a Greek pizza as to not take up too much of their time (The best Greek pizza we have ever had by the way)!

Small talk turned to a deep conversation about what truly matters in life - unconditional love!  

Marianna and Vic!  We had no idea of the impact that
these store owners were about to have on our lives.

Vic is Greek.  Marianna is Jamaican.  They married 9 years ago and opened this restaurant.  They invited Kylee to church and told her to come to the restaurant any time, even if she didn't have money.  They hugged us as we left and Vic whispered into my ear "We will take care of your daughter".

Kylee has already gone back
to visit again!

My eyes fill up with tears as I write this.  God's hand was on this entire situation.  This was a personal gift from God.  God knew that this elderly couple would be a HUGE blessing to us and I believe He led us there.  She knows people that know my husband's family in the Caribbean.  He is Greek and Greek is Kylee's first love.  They understand interracial marriage.  They believe in the power of God's love and more important they live it out!  There was just so many ways we bonded and they will be friends for life!

I look forward to bringing the entire family to meet our new "Uncle Vic and Auntie Marianna".  Kylee has already gone to visit again and will continue to as long as she lives in Winnipeg.  Last time she was there she said to Vic (after a hug) "I better be careful, I almost got lipstick on you" to which he replied "And I will wear it with pride"!

Emotions and the Holy Spirit.

I have always been ashamed of the emotional person I am.  

But not anymore!!

God has assured me that we have emotions for a reason... (but let's keep these emotions in check!  We don't want to scare people with crazy tears!)  :)

Us women, with emotions, sensitivity, and compassion are formed in God's image.  In the same way, men, perhaps with a hard side, desire for power/leadership, physical strength, etc. were also formed in God's image.  (Disclaimer:  these traits I mentioned may be stronger and/or weaker according to personality, our surroundings, etc.  I believe men and women can also share each others personality traits.)

I am reading a fantastic book on the Holy Spirit with the ladies in my church.  I think what has impacted me most so far is our ability to grieve the Holy Spirit.

Bear with me.  This is all connected.

John Bevere, author of The Holy Spirit, suggests (my paraphrase) that the Father is God, and Jesus is God in human form - as a perfect man, with masculine traits and his own personality as a full human.

Mr. Bevere also suggests that the Holy Spirit (the Spirit of God) has feminine personality traits. Woah!!  I LOVE that!! (He was not suggesting the Holy Spirit is physically female, just that He is sensitive, compassionate, filled with emotions, etc. by nature.)

Let's backtrack a little.  :)  A few months ago my teenage sons and a friend were having a conversation about waiting for the right woman (God bless their hearts!).  They welcomed me into the conversation as they talked about how when a godly man (masculine, powerful, hard sided), teams up with a godly woman (sensitive, compassionate, passionate, emotional), the two of them (committed and united, acknowledging each others God given strengths) become most God-like.  A perfectly whole relationship!  WOW!  These words from 16 year old boys opened my eyes.

GRIEVING THE HOLY SPIRIT.

Have you ever gotten wrapped up in sin and soon after felt as though God was no where near you?  Maybe you never feel like God is near you.

John Bevere asks the question "Did you hurt Him?"

The truth is that the Holy Spirit is very much like us ladies:  compassionate, gentle, he feels strong emotion, and he is SENSITIVE.  I know when I have been deeply hurt, I have on occasion (depending on the hurt) cried or pulled away for weeks and sometimes months as I try to "get over it".  Even a small moment of being offended takes some brain power to work through quickly.  Could it be that the Holy Spirit is no different?  (See Galatians 5:22, Acts 9:31, Ephesians 4:30, Psalm 103:13)

I love learning more about this for a few reasons.  First, it gives me permission to just be a woman, sensitivity and all.  (However, I WOULD like to go on record saying that our sensitivity shouldn't control us; our emotions, compassion, passion, etc. should be balanced and should be used as a tool.  BUT it is good to know that God made me this way ON PURPOSE!)  Secondly, it helps me to understand the Holy Spirit better.  I feel like I can relate to Him and He can relate to me.  In the same way, men are able to relate to Jesus.  But it's different.  We, men and women, need each other to understand God better, and to learn from each other.

SO, WHAT HURTS THE HOLY SPIRIT?

Women know if they want to have a wonderfully intimate relationship with their man, they need to feel emotionally attached; there can't be any grievances between the two.  God often compares our relationship to Him with the marriage relationship.  If we truly want to have a close intimate relationship with God, we have to make sure we have no grievances.  He is unable to connect with us if we have hurt Him.  Like any relationship, we need to make an effort to mend the hurt.  He is gracious and forgives, but we have to keep the communication going and work out the issues in order to be intimate.

What grieves the Holy Spirit?
It's all in Ephesians 4:  closed minds, hardened hearts, lustful minds, lies, anger, stealing, fowl language, bitterness, slander, harsh words, grumbling, etc.

What makes the Holy Spirit happy?
Ephesians 4 will tell you:  patience, humility, peace, renewing our mind, helping others, encouraging others, kindness, being tender hearted, forgiving, good works, generosity, hard work, etc.

I love how all these things could apply to marriage and any relationship really.  It's a lifetime of something to work towards.  Imagine the wonderful relationships we'd have all around if we did this the right way!! :)

Our Beautiful Soul & Spirit.

I've been reading a book lately that suggests that physical relationships are the lowest form of relationship there is.

I would never turn down a hug from a friend, or a face to face conversation, and a physical relationship is extremely important between partners!  Physical relationships are pretty sweet, but God gave us a soul and spirit for full connection and FULL relationship.   When we connect with people on a soul (mind, emotions, personality) or spiritual (the potential bond of God) level, that is the most meaningful and fulfilling relationship there is (and this can be done over the phone or messaging - no physical presence needed).  All 3 together would be the most fulfilling.

It makes me think about how society and media teaches us to focus on the physical.  The media is jam packed with lies about physical relationships and physical beauty.  I, for one, am one of many women that have struggled with loving my physical body.

One thing that I have learned with my weight loss is the fact that weighing less does not make it easier to love myself any more.  I'm still physically imperfect.  I have not blogged for a long time as I continue to work through this part of my journey.  I am learning more and more about where beauty lies.  I'm learning that beauty is (mostly) not physical.  I have been praying about this for years.  It is quite something to grasp in today's day and age.  

Most of us would agree that a relationship that is based on only physical attraction will eventually fall apart.  It's the spirit and soul connection mixed with the physical that makes a relationship last.

I believe there is some deep meaning to this and a lesson to be learned.  God gave us a soul: personality, emotion, mind, will.  And he gave us a spirit: where we connect with Him.  I believe that when we find beauty in our soul and spirit, it will spew out physically.  And it will be a different and more fulfilling beauty then the physical beauty we see on magazine covers.  When, by God's grace, I am able to line up my soul and spirit with God's selfless love, that is when I truly feel the beauty of God.

A male coworker came into my office the other day and said "You look extra pretty today" (very out of his character).  I was so encouraged, especially because I was feeling very average looking that day.  But I was having a peaceful "God-first" kind of day.  I honestly believe that on that day, when everything was right between God and me, this man saw God IN me.  THAT's true beauty, isn't it?!  That is what I desire to learn more about and grow in.  We are made in His image!  How beautiful!

Our bodies carry our soul and spirit.  And that's why we should take care of it.  I pray for true revelation of what that really means.  What is true beauty?  How does God see it?  Lord, please show us!

I feel like I am beginning to touch on this and it brings me such joy, peace, and fullness.  God's beauty is all around us!  Because we are made in His image we must have that same beauty in us.  Few of us have discovered what that really means.

Beauty in Vulnerability.

I was thinking about what to write about, and instead of sharing my struggles right now, I am going to share my thoughts on vulnerability itself.  In a later post I will talk candidly about my food addiction, therapy, and addiction transfer (which I am learning plenty about with my wonderful assigned physcologist).

If you get a chance, please read this previous blog entry, before continuing.  Also, if you get a chance, watch the 20 minute video I posted.  It is so very good.

I love that I have learned that life is about connection.  Connection with other people brings me so much joy.  I believe God gave us relationship to fulfill us.  He also would like, more than anything, a connection or relationship with us.

How does vulnerability come into play?

Connection is near impossible without vulnerability of some kind. 

I think of the speakers that I strongly admire.  People that fall into that category are the likes of Joyce Meyer, Beth Moore, Lisa Bevere, Jesse Duplantis, Kenneth Copeland, and more.  All of which have told their stories loud and strong.  They could have kept it to themselves, but chose to be vulnerable (together with perseverance and obedience); therefore powerful ministries have come forth.

With vulnerability comes fear.  Maybe shame.  We don’t want to be vulnerable for fear of disconnect.  People may judge.  And that is the truth.  People will judge.  There will be a number of people that may turn from you.  They may not understand. 

BUT!!  There will be several people that CONNECT and will have needed to know about what you are going through, perhaps facing the same struggles you have.  They will learn that you in fact DON’T have it all together.  Perhaps it will give them hope.  Through this will come meaningful and fulfilling relationship. 

In the video in my previous post about vulnerability, the speaker called people who are ok with being vulnerable “ whole hearted”.  She talks about the 3 C’s. 

Courage:  To be imperfect.

Compassion:  Being kind to self then others.

Connection:  A result of authenticity.

Vulnerability is the core of shame, fear, and struggle for worthiness.  It is also the birthplace for connection, joy, creativity, belonging and love.

We are living in a society where social media is giving us a sense of false emotion.  And instead of feeling real feelings we are numbing ourselves with addiction:  Food, alcohol, drugs (even prescription), sex, money, fantasy, video games, facebook, etc.  In doing this we are also numbing true joy, gratitude, happiness, etc.

Let yourself be deeply seen.  Embrace vulnerability!!

(I would just like to go on record and say that there is a time and a place for vulnerability.  Not all things should be shared publicly.  Find a safe place for things that need to be said that may hurt yourself or other people.  Vulnerability is also not an excuse for self pity.)

How to be happy.

Recently I was offered an amazing job with amazing people and amazing pay.  After seriously contemplating changing careers again, I decided to stick with radio.  I took that time to really analyze why I am in radio and what my roll in radio is.

I love pretty much everything about my job.  I love the direction the company is headed and I love the opportunities I get.  

I had never really been fully content in radio until after my health problems in fall.  

Now that I know that I know that I know I want to be in radio, I am forced to deal with some issues. 

I work with some very competitive people.  Also with very young people.  And (mostly) their standard of measuring success has been very different than mine.  Not wrong.  Right for them.  Just different.  My standard involves God and His plan.  Not "how many people know me" and "how many people see me around" which is what we are taught is important.  And it IS!!  It's radio.  But I don't want to measure my success that way. 

Lately I've been struggling to find my balance. 

A part of me wishes no one knew my name.  In the position I am in, many people think they know me and have formed an opinion.  I suppose we all do that to some extent.  Which is why it is really important to know who we are and love who we are.  

I have a great life.  Great marriage.  Great friends. A great relationship with my family.  Great job.  I have fun.  I love to laugh. A lot.  I realize when one is mostly happy there will be people that treat you badly... perhaps it comes from a place of insecurity, hurt, or misunderstanding (and heaven knows I've been in that boat), but I try to not let is get to me.  BUT!!... Sometimes it gets to me.  

Generally though... I AM happy!

Which leads me to my next blurb... HOW I FOUND HAPPINESS!!

For those who may be reading this and you are yearning for a happier life, I want to encourage you.  You CAN have it.  But it takes hard work.

Happiness to me doesn't mean life is perfect.  It is completely possible to go though hard times and struggles with happiness.  But again, it takes hard work. 

A lot of people that I have talked to don't want to take the steps or make the sacrifices that it takes to have a happy life.  But I truly beleive the key to happiness is hard work and sacrifice (in case you hadn't picked up on that yet).  :)
 

 

When I was young I had bad stuff happen to me, I was hurt badly, my parents did their best but made mistakes, I partied, I hurt myself, I hurt others, and I had a crappy marriage to start (I wanted my husband dead if I could be that straight forward).  God changed it all THROUGH HARD WORK AND SACRIFICE (hint hint)!!  :)  My husband and I love each other deeply now and have one of the healthiest marriages that I know of. <3 I will never ever claim to be perfect but more than anything I have learned to accept God's grace to make mistakes and press on into Gods goodness.  (John 10:10)

I have a very personal relationship with God.  I talk to him.  He's my helper, my friend.  I don't talk to him because I am worthy.  I talk to him because by his graciousness he allows me to.  He welcomes me because he loves me.

I could sit here and judge you.  Or you can sit there and judge me.  But the only thing that matters is the conversation we have with our God.  Really his opinion is the begin all and end all.  You and I are just here to love and support each other.  

So, God thinks I'm pretty cool.  And he thinks you're pretty cool (no matter where you are right now).

And that's all that matters, right?!

xoxo

(I feel like God wants me to say: There may be someone reading this that needs to talk.  I would love to talk to you.  Please message me.)

 

Vulnerability.

I haven't posted in a while.  I'm going to be honest and say it is because I have been struggling.

I read a very open and honest Facebook post the other day about a woman struggling with anxiety and so forth.  I give her credit.  I feel as though more of us need to be vulnerable and share about our struggles.  Pretending life is perfect does us no favours.

If you ever have an extra 20 min to spare, watch this.  It's good. 

2 Cor. 12:9

He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

For me, this weight loss is forcing me to deal with many "demons" (for lack of a better word).  The people that accept me, know me, and know my heart treat me the same.  But pretty much every one else, men and women, are treating me differently.  We are all human.  It happens.  I won't get into that too in depth but it is really forcing me to come to a whole new level of security.  I am trying, once again, to establish who I am and be happy with who I am on the inside so that the judgement of others does not affect my self worth.

I am a strong believer in God coming to the rescue in times of need and triumphing over every situation, but there will always be "situations".  We need not pretend life is hunky dory 24/7.  However, I also strongly believe that no matter what we are going through, we can enjoy life.  Yes, even through death, divorce, sickness, we have the power to be thankful and have a smile on our faces.  (I pick those things: death, divorce, sickness, because I know people in these situations that are going through heartbreak with joy.)  It is possible to enjoy every day despite circumstances.  BUT!! It is hard work!

I have been far from perfect in my lifetime (I think it's safe to say we all fall into that boat), but I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to you.  If I have ever treated you badly, I am sorry.  There was probably some deep underlying reason for it.  Maybe I wasn't wearing my glasses or contacts and I ignored you.  Maybe I was feeling insecure that day.  What I am trying to say is that I hope we can be gracious with each other.  I believe that love is always the answer.  I want to live in love.  Love is patient and love is kind.  It is my goal in life to master that.  I have a ways to go.  ;)

Hair today. Gone tomorrow.

I am 3 months post op!  I have lost weight so fast!  It has REALLY changed my life.

Let's start with the negative.  My hair. OK.  I'm working at turning this into a positive.

My hair has been falling out!  This is because of the trauma my body went through, in addition to the diet change and lack of nutrients while going through my ordeal in the hospital.  I was warned this might happen but was not prepared for what actually would happen.

Here's the story in pictures.

Me in December.  My hair began to fall out.

This began to happen every time I brushed my hair.  Sometimes it fell out in clumps.



Within 3 weeks my hair looked like this.  Bald spots and all.

So I went to my hairdresser and asked her to make my hair look nice. 
After 2 cuts (because it was falling out soooo fast) this is how it turned out.
 She did a great job considering what she had to work with.
I still put dark brown eye shadow on my scalp to hide the bald spots.

This has been a hard adjustment.  I used to have beautiful locks.  Gone in 3 weeks and will take 3 years to get back.  I'm trying to be thankful for a new start and fun changes.  It IS kinda fun to have short dark hair, but I miss my long hair like CRAZY!!  :)

In the end.  It's just hair!!

Let's talk about some good stuff!  I feel GREAT!!  I have lost almost 50 lbs.  I'm officially not "obese" anymore.  Words cannot express how good this feels.  I feel healthy.  My knees don't hurt anymore.  I am starting to have more energy.  I am exercising again.  People at work are calling me "skinny".  I find my kids staring at me to say "you just look so different".  It feels really good.

Let me take a moment now to be brutally honest!!

Quick weight loss messes with your mind.  I don't want to be negative.  I just want to be honest. 

We were told about this at the counselling leading up to the surgery. 

People are treating me differently.  I don't know whether I feel overweight or not.  According to my clothes I am shrinking.  If I look at my body I still feel obese.  If I feel my tummy or hips at night in my bed in the dark I feel tiny.  People see me and they just stare at me.  I'm not sure what they are thinking and I make up stories in my mind.  It's confusing and it is overwhelming. 

Another thing that we were warned about is other addictions taking over from food addiction.  We were warned of alcohol.  I had a drink on New Years Eve.  Turns out (and I was warned about this) that it takes a VERY small amount of alcohol for me to be intoxicated.  WOW!!  And the horrible thing about it is it feels great.  Why?  Because the alcohol numbs my stomach and intestines and all the little bits and pieces in my body that hurt when I get tired.  I had literally 2 ounces of alcohol again the other day and again, hooped!!  (And I get a tad crazy when I drink so NO MORE!!)  That is just something I have quickly learned that I cannot do anymore.  It scares me.

So, I am still losing weight, and still dealing with the changes.  I really want to do this in a healthy way.  Honestly, I don't feel like I have a total grasp on this.  I feel as though I could do it better.  This past week I was back at work full time and it has been so busy. 

My faith:  I'm going to continue with this whole vulnerability thing.  I have been doing terrible, as of late, at doing the things that I believe are important to do.  Read my bible, pray, praise.  Those things are the meat and potatoes of my life.  I'm going through a rough patch.  I will ask you prayer-peeps out there to pray for me in that area if you could.  My belief is... God first, and blessing follows.  When the branch is cut off of the vine it shrivels up and withers away.  I feel as though as I am missing some of that "life" right now as I deal with all these changes.  Thank you in advance.

I'm super grateful for the love and support through all of this.  God bless you!!

How Time Flies.

Well.  It's the end of December already.

I went back to work part time on Dec. 2.  My hours have gradually increased and tomorrow I am back full time.  It has been a huge adjustment.  I've been incredibly exhausted.  I feel like the biggest wimp, but I'm just tired.  And that's just how it is.  :).

I have lost 45lbs so far in total.  The weight loss has slowed down to 1-1.5 lbs/week.  THAT is healthy, and so I'm pumped!

Since my last post a few things have changed.

My hair and nails.

My nails are now breaking due to the lack of nutrients while I was in the hospital.  I was also told my hair may start falling out 3 months post op. due to the trauma my body went through.  I wasn't prepared for this.  I've always had great hair.  Until now.  My hair is falling out by the hand full.  I've got bald spots.  I will have to cut it off.

Oh well.  I keep telling myself... It's just hair.

Another thing that has changed is the amount of pain.  It has decreased significantly.  I'm on medication to help with the healing of my intestines after the internal bleeding.  The blood loss and tarry blood left in my intestines did some damage.  But I am finally on the mend.

So I get asked repeatedly... Would you do it again?  The answer has changed to a definite "yes"!  Overall the weight loss feels absolutely unbelievable!!  I would go through it all again to feel this good!  (But I'm REALLY happy I don't have to!!)

:)

10 Weeks Post Op.

For those wondering how the Bariatric Bypass Journey is going, here's an update.

My weight:

I'm down nearly 40lbs.  My BMI has gone from 38 to 30.  That part feels good but I am still side tracked by tiredness and discomfort.

My energy level: 

I have very little energy.  I had a GREAT day yesterday and of course over did it and exhausted myself.  I am not sure how this part would go for someone that did not have the trauma I had to start my journey.  I had started going for walks and am now slacking because of the weather.  It's hard work just to walk and it's a little frustrating.  But I will just have to make some goals and realize I need to go through the baby steps first before I start to run.

My pain level: 

My pain has decreased significantly.  I still get a little hunched over when I am really tired.  My stomach just gets tense. 

I packed my bags and went to the hospital last Thursday with tremendous pain.  I thought for sure they would keep me.  But they gave me a prescription for T3's and told me that it's just my body still trying to heal.  After another doctors appointment on Tuesday with my family doctor, I was informed that I had a blocked bowel.  Perhaps still related to the internal bleeding that happened in September.  WHO KNEW that could cause that much pain!!  I was given medication for that, and in 2 days I am feeling much better.

My food intake: 

Eating is going well.  I am writing down everything I eat.  I am making sure to get 65 grams of protein per day (my biggest challenge).  My dietician says "fill up with protein and fruits and vegies first, and then whatever else you can fit in". 

I am eating several small meals/day totalling and average of 1000 calories/day.  The dieticians goal for me is 600-800 calories/day so I am doing well. 

Yesterday I made the mistake of eating too fast.  That's the first time that happened.  I came VERY close to throwing up but I was able to keep it down.  I was WARNED that could happen.  :) 

I stay away from all white flour, sugar, and high fat.  I tried to eat a mini Oh Henry at Halloween.  That resulted in huge pain.  Flu like cramps.  No thanks.  I also at one point had 2 deep fried chicken fingers from DQ.  That resulted in stomach pain for the entire day following.  Again, no thanks. 

So I am getting creative and sticking to healthy food.  I am learning to bake with protein powder.  It is surprisingly delicious.  I had a blueberry protein pancake for supper last night.  It sounds yucky but it's actually REALLY good!  And super healthy!

My vitamins and minerals: 

I am faithfully taking all of my vitamins and minerals as subscribed by my dietician.  Massive amounts of multi-vitamins (prenatal), and extra amounts of calcium, B12, D, iron, and biotin.

I have had several people approach me with different supplement shakes.  I know these people have good intentions, but I don't think they know about the program I am on.  Most shakes, like Body By Vi and Zeal, only have a fraction of the supplements that I need in a day.  For a person that does not normally take vitamins I am sure these shakes RULE!!  But, I'm on HUGE amounts of vitamins and minerals right now.  And I can definitely see it on my body.  I get compliments on my hair and nails all the time.  In fact, my normally weak nails, have not broken (not once!!) since before surgery.  Pretty awesome stuff!!

My work: 

The doctor is going to ease me back into work starting on December 2.  Yay!  I will be working part time for the month of December.  I miss my job and the people I work with like crazy!  I feel like I have missed out and things have changed since I was there in early September.  But I will get back and things will be fine.  I've been by the station a few times and it's a weird switch.  Being away though has given me new perspective and I am so ready to give my all when I get back!!  I'm excited that I get to be there for Christmas!  My work is just my other family!  :)

Would I recommend this surgery to others?

Honestly, right now I would say "no".  My intention was to get the Bariatric Sleeve.  If I could do this all over again, that would be my first choice and I would have taken the risk.  But, what happened, happened.  So now I will live with it.  The way I feel right now, I would not recommend this surgery to anyone.  I have a lot of friends that have had this surgery with a lot of success and feel GREAT about it, but I just feel (and have always felt) it's way too invasive.  If you are opting for surgery, I would recommend the Sleeve.  The results are great, and it's WAY easier on your body. 

If you are reading this and you are overweight, I would also recommend that you try and lose weight without surgery first.  I am in my 40's, struggled to lose weight for 20 years and never kept it off.  This was my last resort.  And it is a life changing decision.  This has not been an easy journey for me OR for my family. 

In the end, through all the challenges this has brought me, it WILL prolong my life.  When my insides are healed, and IF I stay on the program, this will be the best thing I could have done for myself and my family.  My life WILL be a better quality one!!!