17 Days Until Surgery. Weekend Getaway.

This week was super crazy. My anniversary is coming up with Shel and so he is taking me out for the weekend to Grand Forks. He says we will go wherever I want to go and eat whatever I want to eat. What a sweet guy. So I have a couple of days to just relax before I start to fast on Monday. I have a couple of days to have all my favorite food and drink. I am getting nervous but I feel like I have a ton of support. My coworkers took me out for lunch today. What a great bunch of people. They have been super supportive. So I just have a couple of days until my life starts changing in a huge way.  So I will sign off for a bit and just chill this weekend. To whomever is reading this I hope you have a great weekend too!!

P.S.  I got a call today that my final pre-op appointment is Sept. 12.  They said it would take several hours.  I wonder what THAT entails!!!  Time will tell.  :)

18 Days Until Surgery. Barium Swallow.

Today this happened.  (This isn't actually me.)

I drove to Winnipeg early this morning for a Barium Swallow.  I had to drink a chalky substance and they filmed me by x-ray while I swallowed.  This is a procedure used to examine the upper gastrointestinal tract, which includes the esophagus and my stomach.  Pre-op stuff.  Yay.  I AM very happy they are being so thorough!

18 days.  OH MY GOODNESS!!!!

19 Days Until Surgery. Stress?

Mini rant:  Due to multiple circumstances at work, I'm feeling pretty stressed.  I had the flu last night.  Thank Jesus it passed.  My hubby is on another business trip.  Long weekend coming up.  Increased work load.  My partner in crime at work had a loved one pass away.  And several people at work have had their significant other break up with them.  A lot of heart break.  Trying not to take it on myself.

On top of that I have doctor's appointments, doctor's appointments, and more doctor's appointments.  So I've got to up and leave, drive to Winnipeg, come back, work some more, etc., take care of the kids..... however, sometimes I think it's the kids that take care of me.

I'm gearing up for the fast that starts Monday.  Phew!!  Feels like a little much today.

20 Days Until Surgery. What Will People Think.

I am not asking for nor do I need your approval.  I hope that doesn't sound too harsh.  :)

When my doctor first offered this surgery to me there were several people in my life extremely opposed.  I often hear people tell me that I don't need to lose weight or this is too drastic, etc. 

Being on the radio, I feel like I am a friend to those in the community (for those that allow me to be).  I care about the people I meet in the community and I honestly feel some of them care about me too.  I love it.  With that I will often get their opinions as well.  This is great.  I feel honored that people care about me. 

I do want y'all to know though, that I do feel that this is the right decision for me so I ask that you respect that.  (I have not taken this decision lightly!)

This surgery is a MAJOR life changing decision.  I will surround myself with loving supportive people!  I hope if you are reading this, that is what you will be to me.  :)  And hopefully I can be that for you one day in whatever situation you are in!

21 Days Until Surgery. My Food Addiction.

I know what it is like to be obese.
I know what it is like to be slim and fit.

The truth is that over eating can be an addiction.  I have fought this all my life.  I am sure that is why I don't weigh 300 lbs right now.  Because I have been hard-core fighting this addiction.  Alcoholism, smoking, shopping, gossiping, etc. can all be addictions.  They all work very differently, look different, and have very different consequences.  Food is my addiction.  This surgery is me taking my "alcohol out of the house" or "cutting up my credit cards".

In my experience there is usually some kind of sympathy that comes with addiction.  "Oh poor ________ just can't get a hold of himself".  It's true.  That is what addiction is.  It IS embarrassing to admit that I have a food addiction and that I have allowed to let this consume me.  My way of dealing with emotions is food.  I'm not too proud of that.  And I know when I am obese people treat me differently.  I've gotten less respect and less attention.  It takes longer for people to warm up to me.  Because I have experienced weight loss and gain a few times in my life, I have actually experienced people treating me bad to good and good to bad depending on my weight.   I have eaten a piece of licorice while I was overweight and got sneered at.  I have eaten a piece of licorice as a thin person with no judgement. That is just the society we live in.

There are so many aspects to this.

The people who are obese in this world are usually dealing with some kind of hurt, whether they know it or not.  I was/am.  I think it is the same for every addiction.  I am so happy that now there is this amazing option for me, including the counselling part of it.

The closer I get to this big step, the more I realize this is not going to be an easy journey.  But I'm ready!

22 Days Until Surgery. "The Spotlight".

This is me.  I work in radio.  We launched a new radio station in June.  It has quickly become quite popular in our small community.  I'm often on a stage, behind a mic, in a picture, or in a video.   

When I signed up for radio, it was just radio.  I hid behind a microphone in a room by myself.  Now it is all about pictures, videos, MCing, etc.  The times are changing.  I am in the spotlight a lot.  And I avoid it when I can... BECAUSE of my weight.  Truth be told, I am very uncomfortable with my weight.  Especially with the recent gain.  I could lie and say it doesn't bother me.  But it actually REALLY bothers me.  I was in a parade yesterday and I saw some pictures posted of me on our radio station Facebook page and once again (OK, here comes the big confession...) I deleted them.  (I wonder if coworkers notice pictures of me going missing...??  Sshhh!  Don't tell!!)  I am embarrassed that I seem to not be getting a hold of this.

And then there are the MCing gigs.  One on one I am fine but when I step out on stage in front of 8000 people at our local festival, it takes serious prayer and focus to come out on the stage with confidence.  In my mind there are 16000 judgmental eyes looking at me saying "oh poor Connie, she gained a pile of weight again".  This is probably not even true for the most part at all but these are the games my mind plays.

I can just hear some of you right now.  "Oh, but Connie, you are so beautiful!"  "It's so sad that you are thinking that way!"  Let me just stop you there and say this:  I strongly believe that God makes all things beautiful, but I feel as though I have not figured how to take care of the beauty he has given me.  Do I feel beautiful?  Yes!  I love me.  God doesn't make crap.  But I hate my over-weightness (that's not a word).  I have never succeeded in keeping the weight off.  But I want to be the best I can be.  I want to enjoy life, my husband, my kids, my friendships, and YES, my job, to the fullest!!  So I am really looking forward to this surgery helping me get to that healthy place (because again, so far, I have not been able to figure this out on my own)!!

BTW - Hoping that all women find their beauty is my one true passion!!  Post on BEAUTY is on the way!!

23 Days Until Surgery. My Future Diet.

(If you want to know why I have chosen this route click here.)

So, these days I am trying to mentally prepare for these diet changes...

2 weeks prior: Liquid only. 
1-2 week post: Liquid only. 
3-5 weeks post: Pureed only. 
6-8 weeks post: Soft/moist foods only. 

I may be eating real food by Christmas. So hard to fathom.

After the surgery I will not be able to tolerate: 
-sugar 
-white flour 
-high fatty foods 
(We have been cautioned that we are eventually able to train our stomach's to take these foods in again if we try hard enough.  I have intentions of being very cautious with this!

Other things that will change:
-I will need to have protein at every meal. 
-I will need to take multiple vitamins every day.
-I will not be able to gulp/guzzle water anymore.  Just tiny sips.

Click here for a pretty good idea of what life will look like for me post surgery as far as the diet goes.

I keep hearing the voice of my doctor: "Remember. This will improve the quality of your life."

I have been eating total crap for a few days now thinking "I may as well get it all in now". Today, I could not have enough salad. I craved it. I am reminded why I am doing this. In the end I am going to feel so much healthier and have so much energy!!

THAT needs to be my focus!!!