22 Days Until Surgery. "The Spotlight".

This is me.  I work in radio.  We launched a new radio station in June.  It has quickly become quite popular in our small community.  I'm often on a stage, behind a mic, in a picture, or in a video.   

When I signed up for radio, it was just radio.  I hid behind a microphone in a room by myself.  Now it is all about pictures, videos, MCing, etc.  The times are changing.  I am in the spotlight a lot.  And I avoid it when I can... BECAUSE of my weight.  Truth be told, I am very uncomfortable with my weight.  Especially with the recent gain.  I could lie and say it doesn't bother me.  But it actually REALLY bothers me.  I was in a parade yesterday and I saw some pictures posted of me on our radio station Facebook page and once again (OK, here comes the big confession...) I deleted them.  (I wonder if coworkers notice pictures of me going missing...??  Sshhh!  Don't tell!!)  I am embarrassed that I seem to not be getting a hold of this.

And then there are the MCing gigs.  One on one I am fine but when I step out on stage in front of 8000 people at our local festival, it takes serious prayer and focus to come out on the stage with confidence.  In my mind there are 16000 judgmental eyes looking at me saying "oh poor Connie, she gained a pile of weight again".  This is probably not even true for the most part at all but these are the games my mind plays.

I can just hear some of you right now.  "Oh, but Connie, you are so beautiful!"  "It's so sad that you are thinking that way!"  Let me just stop you there and say this:  I strongly believe that God makes all things beautiful, but I feel as though I have not figured how to take care of the beauty he has given me.  Do I feel beautiful?  Yes!  I love me.  God doesn't make crap.  But I hate my over-weightness (that's not a word).  I have never succeeded in keeping the weight off.  But I want to be the best I can be.  I want to enjoy life, my husband, my kids, my friendships, and YES, my job, to the fullest!!  So I am really looking forward to this surgery helping me get to that healthy place (because again, so far, I have not been able to figure this out on my own)!!

BTW - Hoping that all women find their beauty is my one true passion!!  Post on BEAUTY is on the way!!