Emotions and the Holy Spirit.

I have always been ashamed of the emotional person I am.  

But not anymore!!

God has assured me that we have emotions for a reason... (but let's keep these emotions in check!  We don't want to scare people with crazy tears!)  :)

Us women, with emotions, sensitivity, and compassion are formed in God's image.  In the same way, men, perhaps with a hard side, desire for power/leadership, physical strength, etc. were also formed in God's image.  (Disclaimer:  these traits I mentioned may be stronger and/or weaker according to personality, our surroundings, etc.  I believe men and women can also share each others personality traits.)

I am reading a fantastic book on the Holy Spirit with the ladies in my church.  I think what has impacted me most so far is our ability to grieve the Holy Spirit.

Bear with me.  This is all connected.

John Bevere, author of The Holy Spirit, suggests (my paraphrase) that the Father is God, and Jesus is God in human form - as a perfect man, with masculine traits and his own personality as a full human.

Mr. Bevere also suggests that the Holy Spirit (the Spirit of God) has feminine personality traits. Woah!!  I LOVE that!! (He was not suggesting the Holy Spirit is physically female, just that He is sensitive, compassionate, filled with emotions, etc. by nature.)

Let's backtrack a little.  :)  A few months ago my teenage sons and a friend were having a conversation about waiting for the right woman (God bless their hearts!).  They welcomed me into the conversation as they talked about how when a godly man (masculine, powerful, hard sided), teams up with a godly woman (sensitive, compassionate, passionate, emotional), the two of them (committed and united, acknowledging each others God given strengths) become most God-like.  A perfectly whole relationship!  WOW!  These words from 16 year old boys opened my eyes.

GRIEVING THE HOLY SPIRIT.

Have you ever gotten wrapped up in sin and soon after felt as though God was no where near you?  Maybe you never feel like God is near you.

John Bevere asks the question "Did you hurt Him?"

The truth is that the Holy Spirit is very much like us ladies:  compassionate, gentle, he feels strong emotion, and he is SENSITIVE.  I know when I have been deeply hurt, I have on occasion (depending on the hurt) cried or pulled away for weeks and sometimes months as I try to "get over it".  Even a small moment of being offended takes some brain power to work through quickly.  Could it be that the Holy Spirit is no different?  (See Galatians 5:22, Acts 9:31, Ephesians 4:30, Psalm 103:13)

I love learning more about this for a few reasons.  First, it gives me permission to just be a woman, sensitivity and all.  (However, I WOULD like to go on record saying that our sensitivity shouldn't control us; our emotions, compassion, passion, etc. should be balanced and should be used as a tool.  BUT it is good to know that God made me this way ON PURPOSE!)  Secondly, it helps me to understand the Holy Spirit better.  I feel like I can relate to Him and He can relate to me.  In the same way, men are able to relate to Jesus.  But it's different.  We, men and women, need each other to understand God better, and to learn from each other.

SO, WHAT HURTS THE HOLY SPIRIT?

Women know if they want to have a wonderfully intimate relationship with their man, they need to feel emotionally attached; there can't be any grievances between the two.  God often compares our relationship to Him with the marriage relationship.  If we truly want to have a close intimate relationship with God, we have to make sure we have no grievances.  He is unable to connect with us if we have hurt Him.  Like any relationship, we need to make an effort to mend the hurt.  He is gracious and forgives, but we have to keep the communication going and work out the issues in order to be intimate.

What grieves the Holy Spirit?
It's all in Ephesians 4:  closed minds, hardened hearts, lustful minds, lies, anger, stealing, fowl language, bitterness, slander, harsh words, grumbling, etc.

What makes the Holy Spirit happy?
Ephesians 4 will tell you:  patience, humility, peace, renewing our mind, helping others, encouraging others, kindness, being tender hearted, forgiving, good works, generosity, hard work, etc.

I love how all these things could apply to marriage and any relationship really.  It's a lifetime of something to work towards.  Imagine the wonderful relationships we'd have all around if we did this the right way!! :)

Our Beautiful Soul & Spirit.

I've been reading a book lately that suggests that physical relationships are the lowest form of relationship there is.

I would never turn down a hug from a friend, or a face to face conversation, and a physical relationship is extremely important between partners!  Physical relationships are pretty sweet, but God gave us a soul and spirit for full connection and FULL relationship.   When we connect with people on a soul (mind, emotions, personality) or spiritual (the potential bond of God) level, that is the most meaningful and fulfilling relationship there is (and this can be done over the phone or messaging - no physical presence needed).  All 3 together would be the most fulfilling.

It makes me think about how society and media teaches us to focus on the physical.  The media is jam packed with lies about physical relationships and physical beauty.  I, for one, am one of many women that have struggled with loving my physical body.

One thing that I have learned with my weight loss is the fact that weighing less does not make it easier to love myself any more.  I'm still physically imperfect.  I have not blogged for a long time as I continue to work through this part of my journey.  I am learning more and more about where beauty lies.  I'm learning that beauty is (mostly) not physical.  I have been praying about this for years.  It is quite something to grasp in today's day and age.  

Most of us would agree that a relationship that is based on only physical attraction will eventually fall apart.  It's the spirit and soul connection mixed with the physical that makes a relationship last.

I believe there is some deep meaning to this and a lesson to be learned.  God gave us a soul: personality, emotion, mind, will.  And he gave us a spirit: where we connect with Him.  I believe that when we find beauty in our soul and spirit, it will spew out physically.  And it will be a different and more fulfilling beauty then the physical beauty we see on magazine covers.  When, by God's grace, I am able to line up my soul and spirit with God's selfless love, that is when I truly feel the beauty of God.

A male coworker came into my office the other day and said "You look extra pretty today" (very out of his character).  I was so encouraged, especially because I was feeling very average looking that day.  But I was having a peaceful "God-first" kind of day.  I honestly believe that on that day, when everything was right between God and me, this man saw God IN me.  THAT's true beauty, isn't it?!  That is what I desire to learn more about and grow in.  We are made in His image!  How beautiful!

Our bodies carry our soul and spirit.  And that's why we should take care of it.  I pray for true revelation of what that really means.  What is true beauty?  How does God see it?  Lord, please show us!

I feel like I am beginning to touch on this and it brings me such joy, peace, and fullness.  God's beauty is all around us!  Because we are made in His image we must have that same beauty in us.  Few of us have discovered what that really means.

Beauty in Vulnerability.

I was thinking about what to write about, and instead of sharing my struggles right now, I am going to share my thoughts on vulnerability itself.  In a later post I will talk candidly about my food addiction, therapy, and addiction transfer (which I am learning plenty about with my wonderful assigned physcologist).

If you get a chance, please read this previous blog entry, before continuing.  Also, if you get a chance, watch the 20 minute video I posted.  It is so very good.

I love that I have learned that life is about connection.  Connection with other people brings me so much joy.  I believe God gave us relationship to fulfill us.  He also would like, more than anything, a connection or relationship with us.

How does vulnerability come into play?

Connection is near impossible without vulnerability of some kind. 

I think of the speakers that I strongly admire.  People that fall into that category are the likes of Joyce Meyer, Beth Moore, Lisa Bevere, Jesse Duplantis, Kenneth Copeland, and more.  All of which have told their stories loud and strong.  They could have kept it to themselves, but chose to be vulnerable (together with perseverance and obedience); therefore powerful ministries have come forth.

With vulnerability comes fear.  Maybe shame.  We don’t want to be vulnerable for fear of disconnect.  People may judge.  And that is the truth.  People will judge.  There will be a number of people that may turn from you.  They may not understand. 

BUT!!  There will be several people that CONNECT and will have needed to know about what you are going through, perhaps facing the same struggles you have.  They will learn that you in fact DON’T have it all together.  Perhaps it will give them hope.  Through this will come meaningful and fulfilling relationship. 

In the video in my previous post about vulnerability, the speaker called people who are ok with being vulnerable “ whole hearted”.  She talks about the 3 C’s. 

Courage:  To be imperfect.

Compassion:  Being kind to self then others.

Connection:  A result of authenticity.

Vulnerability is the core of shame, fear, and struggle for worthiness.  It is also the birthplace for connection, joy, creativity, belonging and love.

We are living in a society where social media is giving us a sense of false emotion.  And instead of feeling real feelings we are numbing ourselves with addiction:  Food, alcohol, drugs (even prescription), sex, money, fantasy, video games, facebook, etc.  In doing this we are also numbing true joy, gratitude, happiness, etc.

Let yourself be deeply seen.  Embrace vulnerability!!

(I would just like to go on record and say that there is a time and a place for vulnerability.  Not all things should be shared publicly.  Find a safe place for things that need to be said that may hurt yourself or other people.  Vulnerability is also not an excuse for self pity.)

How to be happy.

Recently I was offered an amazing job with amazing people and amazing pay.  After seriously contemplating changing careers again, I decided to stick with radio.  I took that time to really analyze why I am in radio and what my roll in radio is.

I love pretty much everything about my job.  I love the direction the company is headed and I love the opportunities I get.  

I had never really been fully content in radio until after my health problems in fall.  

Now that I know that I know that I know I want to be in radio, I am forced to deal with some issues. 

I work with some very competitive people.  Also with very young people.  And (mostly) their standard of measuring success has been very different than mine.  Not wrong.  Right for them.  Just different.  My standard involves God and His plan.  Not "how many people know me" and "how many people see me around" which is what we are taught is important.  And it IS!!  It's radio.  But I don't want to measure my success that way. 

Lately I've been struggling to find my balance. 

A part of me wishes no one knew my name.  In the position I am in, many people think they know me and have formed an opinion.  I suppose we all do that to some extent.  Which is why it is really important to know who we are and love who we are.  

I have a great life.  Great marriage.  Great friends. A great relationship with my family.  Great job.  I have fun.  I love to laugh. A lot.  I realize when one is mostly happy there will be people that treat you badly... perhaps it comes from a place of insecurity, hurt, or misunderstanding (and heaven knows I've been in that boat), but I try to not let is get to me.  BUT!!... Sometimes it gets to me.  

Generally though... I AM happy!

Which leads me to my next blurb... HOW I FOUND HAPPINESS!!

For those who may be reading this and you are yearning for a happier life, I want to encourage you.  You CAN have it.  But it takes hard work.

Happiness to me doesn't mean life is perfect.  It is completely possible to go though hard times and struggles with happiness.  But again, it takes hard work. 

A lot of people that I have talked to don't want to take the steps or make the sacrifices that it takes to have a happy life.  But I truly beleive the key to happiness is hard work and sacrifice (in case you hadn't picked up on that yet).  :)
 

 

When I was young I had bad stuff happen to me, I was hurt badly, my parents did their best but made mistakes, I partied, I hurt myself, I hurt others, and I had a crappy marriage to start (I wanted my husband dead if I could be that straight forward).  God changed it all THROUGH HARD WORK AND SACRIFICE (hint hint)!!  :)  My husband and I love each other deeply now and have one of the healthiest marriages that I know of. <3 I will never ever claim to be perfect but more than anything I have learned to accept God's grace to make mistakes and press on into Gods goodness.  (John 10:10)

I have a very personal relationship with God.  I talk to him.  He's my helper, my friend.  I don't talk to him because I am worthy.  I talk to him because by his graciousness he allows me to.  He welcomes me because he loves me.

I could sit here and judge you.  Or you can sit there and judge me.  But the only thing that matters is the conversation we have with our God.  Really his opinion is the begin all and end all.  You and I are just here to love and support each other.  

So, God thinks I'm pretty cool.  And he thinks you're pretty cool (no matter where you are right now).

And that's all that matters, right?!

xoxo

(I feel like God wants me to say: There may be someone reading this that needs to talk.  I would love to talk to you.  Please message me.)

 

Vulnerability.

I haven't posted in a while.  I'm going to be honest and say it is because I have been struggling.

I read a very open and honest Facebook post the other day about a woman struggling with anxiety and so forth.  I give her credit.  I feel as though more of us need to be vulnerable and share about our struggles.  Pretending life is perfect does us no favours.

If you ever have an extra 20 min to spare, watch this.  It's good. 

2 Cor. 12:9

He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

For me, this weight loss is forcing me to deal with many "demons" (for lack of a better word).  The people that accept me, know me, and know my heart treat me the same.  But pretty much every one else, men and women, are treating me differently.  We are all human.  It happens.  I won't get into that too in depth but it is really forcing me to come to a whole new level of security.  I am trying, once again, to establish who I am and be happy with who I am on the inside so that the judgement of others does not affect my self worth.

I am a strong believer in God coming to the rescue in times of need and triumphing over every situation, but there will always be "situations".  We need not pretend life is hunky dory 24/7.  However, I also strongly believe that no matter what we are going through, we can enjoy life.  Yes, even through death, divorce, sickness, we have the power to be thankful and have a smile on our faces.  (I pick those things: death, divorce, sickness, because I know people in these situations that are going through heartbreak with joy.)  It is possible to enjoy every day despite circumstances.  BUT!! It is hard work!

I have been far from perfect in my lifetime (I think it's safe to say we all fall into that boat), but I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to you.  If I have ever treated you badly, I am sorry.  There was probably some deep underlying reason for it.  Maybe I wasn't wearing my glasses or contacts and I ignored you.  Maybe I was feeling insecure that day.  What I am trying to say is that I hope we can be gracious with each other.  I believe that love is always the answer.  I want to live in love.  Love is patient and love is kind.  It is my goal in life to master that.  I have a ways to go.  ;)

Hair today. Gone tomorrow.

I am 3 months post op!  I have lost weight so fast!  It has REALLY changed my life.

Let's start with the negative.  My hair. OK.  I'm working at turning this into a positive.

My hair has been falling out!  This is because of the trauma my body went through, in addition to the diet change and lack of nutrients while going through my ordeal in the hospital.  I was warned this might happen but was not prepared for what actually would happen.

Here's the story in pictures.

Me in December.  My hair began to fall out.

This began to happen every time I brushed my hair.  Sometimes it fell out in clumps.



Within 3 weeks my hair looked like this.  Bald spots and all.

So I went to my hairdresser and asked her to make my hair look nice. 
After 2 cuts (because it was falling out soooo fast) this is how it turned out.
 She did a great job considering what she had to work with.
I still put dark brown eye shadow on my scalp to hide the bald spots.

This has been a hard adjustment.  I used to have beautiful locks.  Gone in 3 weeks and will take 3 years to get back.  I'm trying to be thankful for a new start and fun changes.  It IS kinda fun to have short dark hair, but I miss my long hair like CRAZY!!  :)

In the end.  It's just hair!!

Let's talk about some good stuff!  I feel GREAT!!  I have lost almost 50 lbs.  I'm officially not "obese" anymore.  Words cannot express how good this feels.  I feel healthy.  My knees don't hurt anymore.  I am starting to have more energy.  I am exercising again.  People at work are calling me "skinny".  I find my kids staring at me to say "you just look so different".  It feels really good.

Let me take a moment now to be brutally honest!!

Quick weight loss messes with your mind.  I don't want to be negative.  I just want to be honest. 

We were told about this at the counselling leading up to the surgery. 

People are treating me differently.  I don't know whether I feel overweight or not.  According to my clothes I am shrinking.  If I look at my body I still feel obese.  If I feel my tummy or hips at night in my bed in the dark I feel tiny.  People see me and they just stare at me.  I'm not sure what they are thinking and I make up stories in my mind.  It's confusing and it is overwhelming. 

Another thing that we were warned about is other addictions taking over from food addiction.  We were warned of alcohol.  I had a drink on New Years Eve.  Turns out (and I was warned about this) that it takes a VERY small amount of alcohol for me to be intoxicated.  WOW!!  And the horrible thing about it is it feels great.  Why?  Because the alcohol numbs my stomach and intestines and all the little bits and pieces in my body that hurt when I get tired.  I had literally 2 ounces of alcohol again the other day and again, hooped!!  (And I get a tad crazy when I drink so NO MORE!!)  That is just something I have quickly learned that I cannot do anymore.  It scares me.

So, I am still losing weight, and still dealing with the changes.  I really want to do this in a healthy way.  Honestly, I don't feel like I have a total grasp on this.  I feel as though I could do it better.  This past week I was back at work full time and it has been so busy. 

My faith:  I'm going to continue with this whole vulnerability thing.  I have been doing terrible, as of late, at doing the things that I believe are important to do.  Read my bible, pray, praise.  Those things are the meat and potatoes of my life.  I'm going through a rough patch.  I will ask you prayer-peeps out there to pray for me in that area if you could.  My belief is... God first, and blessing follows.  When the branch is cut off of the vine it shrivels up and withers away.  I feel as though as I am missing some of that "life" right now as I deal with all these changes.  Thank you in advance.

I'm super grateful for the love and support through all of this.  God bless you!!

How Time Flies.

Well.  It's the end of December already.

I went back to work part time on Dec. 2.  My hours have gradually increased and tomorrow I am back full time.  It has been a huge adjustment.  I've been incredibly exhausted.  I feel like the biggest wimp, but I'm just tired.  And that's just how it is.  :).

I have lost 45lbs so far in total.  The weight loss has slowed down to 1-1.5 lbs/week.  THAT is healthy, and so I'm pumped!

Since my last post a few things have changed.

My hair and nails.

My nails are now breaking due to the lack of nutrients while I was in the hospital.  I was also told my hair may start falling out 3 months post op. due to the trauma my body went through.  I wasn't prepared for this.  I've always had great hair.  Until now.  My hair is falling out by the hand full.  I've got bald spots.  I will have to cut it off.

Oh well.  I keep telling myself... It's just hair.

Another thing that has changed is the amount of pain.  It has decreased significantly.  I'm on medication to help with the healing of my intestines after the internal bleeding.  The blood loss and tarry blood left in my intestines did some damage.  But I am finally on the mend.

So I get asked repeatedly... Would you do it again?  The answer has changed to a definite "yes"!  Overall the weight loss feels absolutely unbelievable!!  I would go through it all again to feel this good!  (But I'm REALLY happy I don't have to!!)

:)