How Time Flies.

Well.  It's the end of December already.

I went back to work part time on Dec. 2.  My hours have gradually increased and tomorrow I am back full time.  It has been a huge adjustment.  I've been incredibly exhausted.  I feel like the biggest wimp, but I'm just tired.  And that's just how it is.  :).

I have lost 45lbs so far in total.  The weight loss has slowed down to 1-1.5 lbs/week.  THAT is healthy, and so I'm pumped!

Since my last post a few things have changed.

My hair and nails.

My nails are now breaking due to the lack of nutrients while I was in the hospital.  I was also told my hair may start falling out 3 months post op. due to the trauma my body went through.  I wasn't prepared for this.  I've always had great hair.  Until now.  My hair is falling out by the hand full.  I've got bald spots.  I will have to cut it off.

Oh well.  I keep telling myself... It's just hair.

Another thing that has changed is the amount of pain.  It has decreased significantly.  I'm on medication to help with the healing of my intestines after the internal bleeding.  The blood loss and tarry blood left in my intestines did some damage.  But I am finally on the mend.

So I get asked repeatedly... Would you do it again?  The answer has changed to a definite "yes"!  Overall the weight loss feels absolutely unbelievable!!  I would go through it all again to feel this good!  (But I'm REALLY happy I don't have to!!)

:)

10 Weeks Post Op.

For those wondering how the Bariatric Bypass Journey is going, here's an update.

My weight:

I'm down nearly 40lbs.  My BMI has gone from 38 to 30.  That part feels good but I am still side tracked by tiredness and discomfort.

My energy level: 

I have very little energy.  I had a GREAT day yesterday and of course over did it and exhausted myself.  I am not sure how this part would go for someone that did not have the trauma I had to start my journey.  I had started going for walks and am now slacking because of the weather.  It's hard work just to walk and it's a little frustrating.  But I will just have to make some goals and realize I need to go through the baby steps first before I start to run.

My pain level: 

My pain has decreased significantly.  I still get a little hunched over when I am really tired.  My stomach just gets tense. 

I packed my bags and went to the hospital last Thursday with tremendous pain.  I thought for sure they would keep me.  But they gave me a prescription for T3's and told me that it's just my body still trying to heal.  After another doctors appointment on Tuesday with my family doctor, I was informed that I had a blocked bowel.  Perhaps still related to the internal bleeding that happened in September.  WHO KNEW that could cause that much pain!!  I was given medication for that, and in 2 days I am feeling much better.

My food intake: 

Eating is going well.  I am writing down everything I eat.  I am making sure to get 65 grams of protein per day (my biggest challenge).  My dietician says "fill up with protein and fruits and vegies first, and then whatever else you can fit in". 

I am eating several small meals/day totalling and average of 1000 calories/day.  The dieticians goal for me is 600-800 calories/day so I am doing well. 

Yesterday I made the mistake of eating too fast.  That's the first time that happened.  I came VERY close to throwing up but I was able to keep it down.  I was WARNED that could happen.  :) 

I stay away from all white flour, sugar, and high fat.  I tried to eat a mini Oh Henry at Halloween.  That resulted in huge pain.  Flu like cramps.  No thanks.  I also at one point had 2 deep fried chicken fingers from DQ.  That resulted in stomach pain for the entire day following.  Again, no thanks. 

So I am getting creative and sticking to healthy food.  I am learning to bake with protein powder.  It is surprisingly delicious.  I had a blueberry protein pancake for supper last night.  It sounds yucky but it's actually REALLY good!  And super healthy!

My vitamins and minerals: 

I am faithfully taking all of my vitamins and minerals as subscribed by my dietician.  Massive amounts of multi-vitamins (prenatal), and extra amounts of calcium, B12, D, iron, and biotin.

I have had several people approach me with different supplement shakes.  I know these people have good intentions, but I don't think they know about the program I am on.  Most shakes, like Body By Vi and Zeal, only have a fraction of the supplements that I need in a day.  For a person that does not normally take vitamins I am sure these shakes RULE!!  But, I'm on HUGE amounts of vitamins and minerals right now.  And I can definitely see it on my body.  I get compliments on my hair and nails all the time.  In fact, my normally weak nails, have not broken (not once!!) since before surgery.  Pretty awesome stuff!!

My work: 

The doctor is going to ease me back into work starting on December 2.  Yay!  I will be working part time for the month of December.  I miss my job and the people I work with like crazy!  I feel like I have missed out and things have changed since I was there in early September.  But I will get back and things will be fine.  I've been by the station a few times and it's a weird switch.  Being away though has given me new perspective and I am so ready to give my all when I get back!!  I'm excited that I get to be there for Christmas!  My work is just my other family!  :)

Would I recommend this surgery to others?

Honestly, right now I would say "no".  My intention was to get the Bariatric Sleeve.  If I could do this all over again, that would be my first choice and I would have taken the risk.  But, what happened, happened.  So now I will live with it.  The way I feel right now, I would not recommend this surgery to anyone.  I have a lot of friends that have had this surgery with a lot of success and feel GREAT about it, but I just feel (and have always felt) it's way too invasive.  If you are opting for surgery, I would recommend the Sleeve.  The results are great, and it's WAY easier on your body. 

If you are reading this and you are overweight, I would also recommend that you try and lose weight without surgery first.  I am in my 40's, struggled to lose weight for 20 years and never kept it off.  This was my last resort.  And it is a life changing decision.  This has not been an easy journey for me OR for my family. 

In the end, through all the challenges this has brought me, it WILL prolong my life.  When my insides are healed, and IF I stay on the program, this will be the best thing I could have done for myself and my family.  My life WILL be a better quality one!!!

Scientific Thankfulness.

I remember being in the hospital a few weeks ago, in pain, not knowing what was going on in my body or how long I would be there.  I remember the long nights.  Just me, my roomie, and nurses quietly buzzing around in the hallway.  I remember being tempted to be scared for the future.  And I remember thinking that I had to INTENTIONALLY be thankful!! 

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I could actually feel my pain going away when I was grateful and praised God out loud.  Some people may think I am a lunatic, but I did talk out loud, by myself, in the hospital, thanking and praising God.  It often ended in tears of thankfulness because I could feel God's love and I could FEEL the pain leaving my body. 

AND NOW... I found scientific proof!! 

Dr. Oz did a show today on the benefits of gratefulness.  Awesome findings in their studies!!  And he is not the only one that is teaching about the benefits of being thankful!  Check THIS out!

Scientists have proven that people who are thankful on a regular basis benefit in these ways:

1. Smoother and coherent heart rhythms.
2. Reduced risk of cardiovascular disease.
3. Stronger immune system.
4. Higher sense of attentiveness, alertness and energy.
5. Less physical pain.
6. Longer more restful sleep.
7. Better able to handle stressful situations.
8. Healthier relationships with others.
9. Better physical fitness.
10. Fewer feelings of sadness and depression

How FUN is that??!!  To feel better, all you have to do is be thankful.  But NOT always easy.  When we are having super crappy days, it's a LOT of work to be thankful.  But it always makes us feel better.

 

And chronic thankfulness leads to super awesomeness!!

God's Grace = Freedom!

Anyone who has truly experienced the grace of God will understand why God's Grace deserves a post.

God's grace has healed me physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I want to learn more and more about the grace of God, because grace catapults us forward in our life's mission.  So many of us think we are useless or have nothing to offer because of the sin in our life.  We are waiting to fit that perfect Christian mold.  UGH!!  I hate that man-made, satan-inspired, pressure to fit that "Christian Mold". 

I am still renewing my mind as to not judge.  I will be honest.  I feel as though the community I live in is a judgemental one.  Perhaps all communities are in their own way.  Perhaps some more than others.  And I admit, I have often been a part of the problem in the past.  Isn't it easy to say "She did THAT and she claims to love Jesus"?  I'm sure people have had reason to say the same about me.

Lack of Grace hinders us two-fold. 

First, if we are so busy worrying about others and their sin, how will this help our lives in any way, really!  The only one that I will be accountable for at the judgement seat is one person: me.  And God made it very clear that His first commandment is to love.  Love!  This includes showing grace to everyone, everywhere, every time!  We as Christians are representing Jesus.  We are His face on earth.  Love should always be our goal.  Blessing people should always be our mandate!  (Easier said than done!)

Second, if we are constantly down on ourselves because of our own sin (or even something just as simple as our own uniqueness), we will never excel in God's plan for our lives. We need to brush it off and accept God's grace so that we can reach our full potential.  We also need to remember that our full potential may look different than what others in our lives think it's supposed to look like.  Yes, there WILL always be those that look at us and say "he doesn't fit the mold", "THAT'S not a very Christian thing to do", or "how could she do that and call herself a Christian".  We also need to brush off those words and rely only on what God says about us.

What freedom!  When I truly began to understand that God loves me JUST the way I am, what joy!  He not only loves me just the way I am, quirkiness and all, He MADE me the way I am.  For a purpose.  As He did YOU too!  He gave us the gift of GRACE out of His love for us and it is there to take freely when we mess up.  Now THAT'S good news!!

I love this verse:  2 Corinthians 12:9

It talks about the power of grace, but not only that, it also talks about boasting about our weaknesses.  That's where strength lies.  So why are we so hard on ourselves.  Let's just try our best, accept God's grace, and enjoy life!

7 Weeks Post Op.

Celebrating!!! 

Today Home Care told me they are not coming back.  I am FINALLY healed up enough!  Wooo!

It's Tuesday.

Today is Tuesday which is my day of focus.  And sometimes I actually do it.  :)

Many years ago before I began full time work, I attended a bible study Tuesday mornings with some amazing ladies which was absolutely life changing for me. 

When I began working full time, Tuesdays became the day where I would go on dates with Jesus on my lunch hour.  I'll be honest, that has been my intentions for the last few years.  Sometimes I do well, and sometimes I am the biggest slacker.  Lunch with Jesus includes me, my bible, some great praise and worship, and a quiet place.  When I DO accomplish this, it's the most rejuvenating thing, and often concludes with some kind of major revelation.    

Tuesdays are also the day where friends and I EARNESTLY pray for our children.

Now, Tuesdays have even more meaning for me.  The WONDERFUL group of ladies, that I originally met with for bible study many years ago, have begun something called a "Prayer Drive".  They have gathered a group of people to commit to driving around the community to pray for the safety of our children and whatever else we want to pray for as we drive.  There has been so much death and pain in our children and we are taking a stand.  There will be someone praying for our community every day for 365 days and then the idea will be revisited.  So great!!  (If you want to join in, even from your home, message me on FB!!)

Today as I drove with the music of Sonicflood's song Psalm 91 cranked (which was so very meaningful to me while I was in the hospital), I was overwhelmed with so many thoughts that I believe were from God.  From shame for our selfish nation, to the outflowing of God's never ending grace and love.  God gave me a picture of angels standing on the street corners.  I felt such peace.  So great!! 

With me being away from work now for more than 6 weeks, I sure have had time to read my bible and pray.  And I will confess, I could be (and it would be wise for me) to spend even more time reading and praying rather than watching old reruns on Netflix.  That's the temptations of the world we live in huh?!!  :)  God is SO gracious.  I felt at first that I am not worthy to be a part of this prayer drive.  But I am reminded that all God needs is a willing heart, and His grace will cover the rest.  Wave after wave...His grace.  Wow!!

Slowly But Surely.

Well, I have decided that I am changing up my blog approach.  I am having a hard time sticking to JUST the surgery journey.  :) 

For those that have been asking about how eating is going, here's a little update on that:

Eating is going GREAT! After several weeks of being on ice chips, the hospital started me on puréed food. I quickly graduated to soft foods. So I am now sitting down at the table and eating 6 small REAL meals/day. I'm getting about 1000 calories/day and I'm meeting all the dieticians requirements. So that's great!!

Things did not start of great though.  After the surgery, it hurt to drink water.  And that is a really scary feeling.  But the reality is that when doctors are rearranging your stomach and intestines, a little pain would be the norm, huh?!!  :)  The eating part has been a battle all on it's own.  I am NEVER hungry, and I eat for nutrition now.  That sure is a switch up for me.  Some foods do not agree with me and it is always trial and error.  When I eat something that does not agree with me, there is a price to pay.  Simply, it's painful.  It has not been too terrible.  I have not experienced the "dumping syndrome" which I was warned about (and does NOT sound like very much fun AT ALL!).  I am sure that is because I have been following the rules of "no sugar, no white flour, no high fats". 

I've been feeling a lot better since I have been getting nutrition into my body.  I have not lost any weight in the 2 weeks since I have been home and I am TOTALLY ok with that because I lost way to quickly to start. 

I had several doctors appointments in the city on Friday. My hemoglobin is still low. And that's why I'm so tired. They explained it to me like this: When I got the 10 blood transfusions, they only gave me enough to live. Now my body has to take that blood and make it my own. My hemoglobin is now 105.  It's supposed to be 120-140. Basically I'm short about 20% blood in my body. So time and rest will fix this.
  
Last night was the first night I had a great sleep WITHOUT painkillers. Yay! Things are progressing!

My doctor said I'm like a baby right now. All I need is to eat and sleep. They will start me on a exercise program at the end of November. I go back to work in December.
 
Work has been very supportive and understanding!  I'm even getting hugs from upper management.  I love hugs. :) I thought that was pretty sweet.

My family, especially Shel, has been AMAZING!! So supportive! <3

Quick Update.

A lot of people have been asking how I've been doing.  I really appreciate the concern.  Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers.  I'm a very blessed lady!

The answer in a nutshell is:  I'm tired.  I REALLY can't handle a lot.  After a full day of sleep yesterday I decided to go buy some groceries.  After that, I was toast, and slept all night.  It's quite a change for me.  I'm used to a ton of coffee dates per week.  But I've had to say no to people because I just can't handle it right now.  I hate that part.  But I'm so exhausted, I'm just bad company anyway.

I went to see my family doctor today (I LOVE Dr. Besse!!), and she informed me that my hemoglobin is low therefore she will not let me go back to work for at least another 4 weeks.  I miss radio and I miss my coworkers so much.  And this is the busiest time of year.  I feel really bad.  At the same time I know I would be completely useless.

I just think back sometimes and can't believe this all happened.  It's ok though.  I've had several people come up to me and say "Hey Connie, maybe God's trying to get you to slow down and rest for a while, so REST!"  So, I'm resting.

I'm so thankful for my husband and kids.  I feel like we've all grown closer through this.  My husband shines like a bright star!! Man, he is SO good to me.  I'm his princess.  At least that's how he makes me feel!  :)

We have so much to thankful for.  I think of the Booy family saying goodbye to their son today.  And the girl my sons witnessed get hit by a truck a few weeks ago.  There's always something to be thankful for.  And there's always someone to pray for, have faith for, and hope for.

29 Days Post Op. Reflecting.

Receiving one of ten blood transfusions.

I just re-read my last few posts.   Not too bad considering how much pain medication I was under the influence of.  :) Sorry about all the spelling mistakes!

I took a break from blogging for a while because I have really needed to focus on healing.

My husband brought me home from the hospital on Sept. 28.  On Oct. 4 I was re-admitted because of pain.  It turned out to be some kind of blockage in my gallbladder or liver.  While I was in the hospital, they had me fast for 6 of 8 days.  Just ice chips.  The obstruction subsided and I was allowed to come home on Friday in time for Thanksgiving weekend.

In total, with everything that went wrong, I fasted for 5 weeks.  I have lost 30 lbs (too fast!!) so far.

So for a few days now, I have been eating well (all things considered) and I have been steadily healing at home.  SLOW and steady.  I still have pain, I'm very limited in what I can do, and I still struggle to breathe normally after the collapsed lung shenanigans.



All hooked up and drugged up after
the second surgery.

I will not lie, this is he hardest thing I have ever gone through personally.  I am fighting to (and succeeding) at being thankful.  Some days are harder than others.  I consciously thank God out loud for the good things he has given me.  It seems to lessen the hardship.

I vaguely remember the Tuesday night that I fainted (after the first surgery) and the doctors buzzing around me to discover the internal bleeding.  I saw the looks of concern and worry in people's eyes that surrounded me.  Panic.  When they started speaking of multiple blood transfusions, EKG's, more surgery etc. all I remember is whispering over and over again "I release life into my body in Jesus name".  I just put my life into the hands of Jesus (with full intentions of living!!).

First time sitting up after collapsed
lungs.  Hard work!!

With everything happening so quickly at that time, I am so thankful that my deep consciousness had stored up the knowledge to breathe those words out loud.  One of my favorite verses in the bible is John 10:10.  Us folks who believe in Jesus need to fight for what God has provided for us.

When I lay in the hospital last week, all I knew is that my digestive system wasn't working.  The doc said I had a "blockage".  In my mind I fought thoughts of "what if I'll never be able to eat again" and "what if the doc messed up so bad that I'll have trouble for the rest of my life". 

I gained 30-40 lbs in fluids.
Fluids were pumped into my
body though IV in order to
clean my body out from the
internal bleeding.

Thankfully I had friends and family reminding me of God's promises.  "We have not because we ask not"...OK, God, please heal me.  "I have to come to give you life in the full"... OK, God, please give me life in the full.  I could go on forever about all the promises I was reminded of and how hard I had to fight to believe them. 

Friday my doc walked into my room and told me he was not going to do the MRI we were waiting for because all the blood tests showed that my body fixed itself.  I could pretend it's not God that fixed me, but I know it was.  Him and I have had some pretty sweet moments the last few weeks.  I give Him all the praise and thanks for healing me, getting me through this, and for what He will do in my future.  I look forward to a full strong life ahead!

MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF GRATEFULLNESS go out to the people who have encouraged and prayed for me.  To those that have remained positive through the scary times, THANK YOU.  To those that never gave up when it looked hopeless, I can't even express how much it means to me.  And to my God who comforted me beyond words during those long hospital nights, THANK YOU.  I have no words, but my heart bursts with thankfulness.

13 Days Post Op. Going Home.

Today my hubby will pick me up and home we go.

Now that I am a little more coherent, I want to explain, in detail, what went wrong.

Normally this surgery would be a one to two night stay.  My stay turned into nearly 2 weeks.

I had surgery Monday.  Tuesday night I fainted which led to tests to discover internal bleeding.  It does look like medical error, but I will not lay blame nor make that my focus.

After 8 blood transfusions I had corrective surgery Wednesday night followed by 2 more transfusions.   (This is where we can insert the words of the Dr "Connie, we almost lost you").  My lungs collapsed in the process and by bowels filled with blood.

I recovered in ICU for a few hours and then they moved me to a ward called "Step Up" where I had 24/7 nurse care for 3 days.   On Saturday night they moved me to the surgery ward where I have now been for 7 days.  My body has slowly been cleaning itself out and my lungs have been slowly regaining strength.  I have been steadily working with physio to learn how to walk again.  Thursday was the first time I walked unassisted.

Beginning tomorrow I will be getting Home Care to watch my stats and take care of my wounds.

Right now I lie here in a significant amount of pain.

On top of all these shenanigans I am learning how to listen to my new tiny stomach.  That is hard all in itself.  Post on that coming up.

----------------------

Every day gets better.  I am so thankful to go home tomorrow!  Looking forward to the beautiful fall leaves on the drive!

12 Days Post Op. Beaten But Not Broken.

I'm still in the hospital.  Day 12.  The leaves have changes colours outside my window since I've been here.  I miss my normal life.

But I'm ok.

If people were to ask me if I'd do it again, what would my answer be?  My answer would be I chose this path with good intentions and so this is the road I will travel.  I will never ask the question "why"?  Why did this happen to me?  Why do I have to go through this?   blah blah blah.   Asking the question why is recipe for negativity.  Instead I will strategically walk through this with thankfulness for the good things in my life.  I have goals and they won't change.

10 Days Post Op. Quick Update.

Sept. 16 - bypass surgery.  It looked successful.

Sept.  18 - learned that there was a leak and bleading internally.  Received 10 blood transfusions in total.  Got transferred to St. Boniface.  Had second surgery for repairs: 4 hrs.

Sept. 19 - recovery begins.  Leak and blood lause caused a lot of damage.  I have 2 partially collapsed lungs (from pressure of internal bleeding) and my bowels and intestines are covered in dry blood.

System has slowly begun to repair.  Today I am still in pain, extremely bloated, and on oxygen and morphine.

---------
I will post a long blog about my feelings on this when I am physically healthier.  I am improving more every day.

I can't go through something like this and not mention my faith.  I thank God that He is at my side everyday.  I have joy, no fear, and steady healing.  THANK YOU TO ALL to have shown your support and prayer!!
---------

I'll be back eventually.  :)

1 Day To Surgery. How I See Beauty (Part 2)

(Continued....)

I have been thinking on what my last post will be about before I go into surgery tomorrow.  The 2 things I am most passionate about in life are God and truth about the beauty of women.  I decided to go with beauty on this one.  I don't think enough women know how beautiful they are and it is my hope that all women would know.

I'm going to be super duper candid, K?  :)

Please click here to read Part 1 first.

Continuing from my last post on the beauty of a woman, yes, a physically beautiful woman makes a man's head turn.  That is how God created men to be.  It's natural for them.  But there is a difference between appreciating the beauty of a woman and disrespecting the beauty of a woman.  That's where I think both men AND women are getting things messed up in the world today.

I have done enough research to know that all lady parts are beautiful in the eyes of a man.  You do not have to look like the girl in the magazine to be a desirable woman.  Confidence in your own beauty that God gave you is BEAUTIFUL to a man.  We all have physical features that would knock a guys socks off.  Add to that the compassionate heart of a woman... BAM!  Soooo beautiful!! 

To those of you that have husbands:  Get confident in your beauty, and show that man what you're made of!  :)  To those of you still looking:  Get confident in your beauty, and have high expectations because you deserve the best.  Don't settle for less.  You are BEAUTIFUL!!

Women have a natural desire to be beautiful.  And that is perfectly healthy.  So take care of the beauty God gave you.  Celebrate it in whatever way you want to:  makeup, hair do's, great clothes, jewelry, whatever.   Don't depend on these things but be proud of who you are!  And again, please DON'T compare yourself to the girls on the magazines.  They make up 3% of the world.  And we make up the rest.  ;)

(Pet peeve:  When people look at the girls in the magazines and say "she's too skinny".  ACTUALLY, she is beautiful too!!)

These are just things that I have been happy to learn in the last few years.  Women are beautiful.  They are here to compliment men (not serve them - yeah, I went there!).  We are to come along side them, team up with them, and enjoy their strengths together with our strengths.  What a beautiful thought to actually enjoy each other and respect each other by helping each other be the best we can be rather than seduce and disrespect!!

Day 14 of the fast:  Really!  This day has come?  I did it.  I'm 12 lbs down in 2 weeks.
Something dawned on me yesterday.  I WILL NOT be able to eat comfort food anymore.  This hit me with a vengeance.  I was told that I would go through a mourning period.  I think I'm in it.  I have been having a huge love affair with food (mostly chocolate) my whole life.  WHAT will I go to for comfort now?!  I know what I want the answer to that to be:  God.  And not everyone will understand that.  But will I actually turn to Him every time.  Or will I find another addiction.  I think we all have addictions.  It's REALLY hard to deal with addiction.  My mind is working though that part of it right now.

GOOD BYE FOR NOW.
With that I am off.  I have surgery at 10:45 tomorrow morning.  Please send prayers and happy thoughts.  I'll be back with an update when I can.

xoxo

2 Days Until Surgery. Adapting.

Since I got my news yesterday (see previous post) I have spoken to several people about the Bypass Surgery.  They are PUMPED for me.  This surgery works faster and you lose more weight, BUT it IS more invasive and the healing time IS longer.

I have been prepping for the Sleeve for 2 years.  This change was thrown at me 3 days before the surgery, with 5 minutes to make the decision.  It crossed my mind to reschedule so I could think more about this, but I am on my 13th day of fasting.  Would I really want to start this all over again?  It did cross my mind!

I did struggled through the thought of the Bypass last night.  It is not what I had prepped for, but when it comes right down to it, this is between me and God.  Through this blog I am letting you look into the window of this journey, but really in the end it's between me and the Big Guy.  Him and I had some one-on-one last night.  He knows my heart, my body, my everything, and so I trust Him. I have committed this to Him from the start and I will continue to do so.

I have prayed about losing weight for a long loooooong time now.  I have actually been praying to weigh a certain amount (a specific number, a healthy number).  I've been praying and thanking God that I will weigh X amount.  This is really happening and I thank God.  Being accepted by MB Health feels like a miracle because I barely met the requirements, but I am SO grateful for this opportunity. 

I don't know why these changes came so suddenly last minute, but He has got this.  I feel totally at peace today.  Today I am SO excited as to what my future holds.

I know there are some of you reading this that are opposed to the surgery and that's OK.  You are entitled to your opinion.  I am not offended. I get why some would be concerned.

To those that have been supportive and completely understand, and ALSO to those that don't quite get it yet have gone above and beyond to support me, THANK YOU so much for all the prayers and encouragement!!

Day 13 of the fast:  The fast got easier after 5 days.  It's been pretty breezy since then.  I am starting to think that one of the reasons they want us to fast that long (other than surgery prep and detox) is to prepare us mentally for diet change.  The thing that I was addicted to (and I say "was" because that is my hope) has been taken away from me (food).  Turns out I can live a pretty happy life without food.  After surgery Monday I will have to learn to adapt to tiny bits of food being brought back into my body.  I'm pumped.

3 Days Until Surgery. Changes Overnight.

FIRST.  HAPPY to say I am healthy.  The "concerns" the doc was talking about will change things though.

Yesterday I went to Winnipeg and spent the afternoon at the Bariatric clinic being asked a million questions and being poked and prodded for 2 hours.  After that I met with my fellow surgery buddies Kelly and Carol for broth at an awesome Asian restaurant.  Funniest thing:  "Excuse me waiter, please bring us 3 bowls of delicious broth and water on the side please".  And YES, it was delicious!!!  When you have not had food in 10 days, broth is heavenly.  My dietician is now letting me have 8 oz broth/day!!!  WOOO!  Oh the small things. :)  The day was followed by an evening with my beautiful daughter, more broth, and a movie.

TODAY I went to my doctors appointment to discuss the "concerns".  I really fought my mind not going to all kinds of bad places because there is just so much cancer in my family.  I HATE the "c" word.  But I got GOOD NEWS in my eyes.  YET, a big change in plans.

Turns out that with my Barium Swallow they discovered that I have bad acid reflux and they suspect a small hiatal hernia (see diagram).

The doctor STRONGLY recommended that I not have the sleeve, but rather the bypass.  WHAT???!!!

(Click here if you want to know why I chose the sleeve and to learn the difference between the sleeve and the bypass.)

So he asked me why I wanted the sleeve and I told him.  And then he argued with me as to why I should have the bypass.  He told me that with the acid reflux I am having right now it would be magnified with the sleeve because of the pressure.  He told me that it would be potential for a second surgery.  He assured me that the "dumping syndrome" happens to both sleeved people and bypassed people but won't happen with a proper diet.  He told me about the great track record for the bypass and how successful it is.  I sat there going "Wowzers, I have have 5 minutes to make this decision."

He left for a moment and I texted a bunch of friends to pray.  He came back and I asked him, "If you were in my shoes, what would you do?"  He said "Bypass".  I said "OK". 

JUST LIKE THAT.  I'm getting the bypass.  THIS CHANGES A LOT OF THINGS!!!  Gah!!  I will place it in God's hands (cuz that's what I do).  I have some serious mental prep and praying to do. 

(To be continued......)

-----------------------------------------

RIGHT NOW.  I am here:

And I am THANKING GOD it was nothing serious.  THANK YOU to EVERYONE that has been praying!!!

Chill time.

5 Days Until Surgery. "Concerns".

I was contemplating whether to post this or not and have decided that if I am going to be real and transparent I should post about all the bumps along the way.

A few weeks ago I posted about having a Barium Swallow.  I got a phone call on Tuesday from the Bariatric Clinic asking me to come in on Friday because "the doctor found a problem and has concerns".  Of course my nature is to freak out a little.  But I have worked through that and am now trusting God.  I've got my prayer peeps on board, and so it will be OK, whatever it is.

This Thursday I will spend the afternoon at the clinic with the anesthesiologist, and Friday I will be there to find out what these "concerns" are.  I have decided to take all of Thursday and Friday off of work because the driving back and forth is just too much!!  Instead I will chill with my daughter in the city and relax a little! 

Please send positive thoughts and prayers my way.  God bless you!

Happy thoughts:  This is Renee from my Bariatric Support Group Facebook page.  Down 83 lbs since December.  My favorite thing about this support group is of course, the support, AND watching peoples lives transform and seeing such HAPPY faces!!!  :)

6 Days To Surgery. How I See Beauty (Part 1)

I work in radio.  I posted a few days ago that sometimes I delete pictures of myself from my radio stations Facebook page.  Why do I do that?  Why am I embarrassed of my weight?  My answer is because not all people see beauty the way I do, and I live right SMACK DAB in the middle of the media!  I fight the media.  I'm still working through that.

How I see beauty:
In all honesty I have really struggled in my lifetime with feeling beautiful.  I have spent years educating myself on how women think, how men think, how society thinks, how media influences, etc.  I have huge compassion for young (and old) women trying to find their beauty in this warped society.  Through my studies, I feel like I have a really good hold on what beauty is.  I believe that we are surrounded by lies.  The media, TV, radio, commercials, magazines, etc. lie to us about what beauty is.  We, as a society, men and women, are believing it.  Women are being disrespected and men are being hated-on because of their disrespect.  In turn, men and women are disrespecting each other.  Many women are using sex for power, and some (maybe many) men think sex is all women are good for.  (Disclaimer:  Many, not all!)  Many women, and even young girls, are thinking that if they can't be "sexy" they are worthless.  We are losing what beauty is.  I think this is a huge problem in society.  We are being taught by media.  And media lies.  Many women are struggling to find their beauty.  Many men are struggling to SEE real beauty.

What do I think?  I think women are BEAUTIFUL!!!  And God created us that way!!  We are soft, sensitive, caring, nurturing, sentimental, emotional, passionate, compassionate, all by nature.  These are STRENGTHS, and are all things that the world is in desperate need of!!  And we are physically beautiful too!!

Yes, I am overweight.  But, I KNOW I am beautiful.  I feel beautiful.  God has impacted my heart and soul on the depth and magnificence of how he created women to be beautiful and how he meant it to be.  The reason I am having this surgery is to take care of my beauty. 

Every single woman on this earth is putting beauty into the world no matter what they look like physically.  Through love, compassion, tenderness, smiles.  THAT is beauty!

I truly believe that.  But it seems "the world" disagrees.

(to be continued...)

7 Days Until Surgery. My Man's Journey.

Shel in ICU getting a blood
transfusion.

If anyone will understand what I am going to be going through, it's my husband.  He had the same surgery that I am going to have.  But not by his choice.

In April of 2011, my husband Shel went to the walk in clinic because he was feeling weak.  By late afternoon we knew that he had a tumor in his stomach that was ripping his stomach lining and causing him to bleed internally.  Over the next 2 weeks, he had 7 blood transfusions and eventually surgery to remove the tumor and 1/2 of his stomach.  That's the short version. :)

Shel "smiling" for the camera.
He was incredibly week with
the blood loss.

In his time in the hospital, he went 11 days without eating.  He could not even have water.  They allowed him to suck on a flavoured Q-tip.  That's it.

So, the other day when I was having an emotional moment filled with tears, he was the most compassionate.  He understands every single thing that I am going to experience in the future weeks and months.  The difference is that it was way more intense for him and he didn't ask for any of it.  This is my choice.

How is my husband doing now?  We were happy to receive the news that the tumor was not cancerous.  Shel took 2 months off of work after the surgery and recovered well.  He did lose a lot of weight and is still trying to build his weight up.  It's a different situation than me.  :)  But he is a super healthy and fit guy and very thankful he made it through.  It was a pretty crazy time in our life!

Day 8 of fasting:  Easy peasey.  Except for the off moment when I smell something yummy and I can't have it.  Over all I am feeling great.  I even have been having compliments on my skin and hair looking healthier.

8 Days Until Surgery. Counselling.

I have been spending a lot of time on Facebook Bariatric Support Group pages.  I'm finding that it is really common in the U.S. to just apply for the surgery and then just get it (if covered by insurance).  Often a 3-5 month wait.  Which is really different than Canada.  There is not really any counselling in many places in regards to this surgery.

In Manitoba we have been educated on all kinds of different aspects.  It was the first time I met with a psychologist.  Kinda fun.  I've really appreciated that!  I've learned a lot.  Most people that get this surgery have a food addiction.  When addictions are removed they are often replaced with other addictions.

I have been counselled over the last year by doctors, dieticians, a kinesiologist, and a psychologist from Winnipeg.  Also by psychologists request, I have been seeing a counselor locally.  My counsellor is amazing and has become a "secret friend".  We have laughed and cried at every session.  And my life has changed with the things I have worked out there.

I have learned everything from how to deal with emotional eating, and the diet plan and exercise plan, to why I have used my weight as a defence mechanism.  How to handle post-surgery jealousy of those that wish they could lose weight, and strengthening my marriage in order to make it through the changes.

Counselling is hard.  Yes, that is true.  But rewarding.  It strengthens you and helps you to overcome wounds from the past.  Personally, I know that my "life wounds" contributes to my weight problem.

I am a strong believer in forgiveness.  There is no one in my life that I have not forgiven.  But healing the wounds is the real work.  Everyone has wounds, but not everyone is willing to deal with them because it DOES put us though some pain.  If you have wounds, I encourage you to deal with them.  It will be so much more rewarding in the end.

Food and my over weight  body have been a coping mechanism.  But I truly believe that we, as beautiful creations of God, have been given the gift of healing and wholeness.  It won't always come easy.  So I will do everything that I know how to do to heal my wounds and take care of myself to the best of my ability.  I believe God wants us to work at being the best that we can be so that we can be a blessing to those around us.

Day 7 of the fast:  Feeling good!!  It DOES get easier!

9 Days Until Surgery. A few things.

Sitting on the deck sipping a "Vanilla
Rooibos Latte".  My sister gave me the
idea:  Vanilla Rooibos Tea, Boost, and
a cinnamon stick.  Quite delicious!!

Day 6 of the fast:  The super hard days have past.  :)  It's getting easier.  My physical detox symptoms are gone.  My stomach does not feel uncomfortable anymore.  I'm learning to not "be tough" and hang out with people that are eating.  Right now I just need to stay away from food all together.  That makes it easier.  Life seems to be feeling a little more normal today.

Thanks again to those of you who have been encouraging me, checking up on me, and praying for me!  Since I have been so open about this, I am getting some negativity from several people, and so the positivity is welcome and appreciated!!  Thanks again!  God bless you!

My husband.  I LOVE that guy.  He has been nothing BUT supportive.  Everything from buying me what I need and taking days off take to care for me, to letting me cry on his shoulder and making sure I know that he will stand by my side through every stage that I need to go through.  He is comforting me, giving me hugs when I need them (and he is not a hugger!), he's making sure I spend time laughing, and treating me like a princess.  I would imagine this would all be A LOT harder without him!

Kelly & Carol.  In a post from a few weeks back, I introduced Kelly and Carol.  These are ladies I met at the Bariatric Clinic in one of the courses we took together.  Carol had her surgery Tuesday and Kelly had hers on Wednesday.  They are both doing quite well.  They both mentioned that the biggest challenge is the mind thing.  They are just "used to eating more", and they just can't.  I am meeting with them when I go into the city on Thursday for my pre-op appointment.  I'm glad to have some folks to talk to that are going though the same thing at the same time.

Happy Story:  This is Chontee from my Bariatric Support Group Facebook page!  Looking good girl!! :)

Start weight 236.  Now 135.  1 year after surgery.  No regrets!

The leaves are starting to change color.  It looks like it is going to be a beautiful day.  Have a great weekend y'all!!

10 Days Until Surgery. Fasting Is Hard.

Day 5 of fasting:  No amount of pretty candles, bubble bath, beautiful scenery, and yummy flavoured extracts was enough today.  Some days it works.  But not at this very moment.  Right now,  I miss food.  I am hungry.  That is it.

My belief in God and the Bible has seen me fast many times in my life before, but this time is different.  This time, it is a medical fast ordered by doctors that (by my choice) has been made public and is also very intense.

Yesterday I spent the day trying NOT to snap at my coworkers (NOT their fault-it's just me) and ended up picking a fight with my man to end the day, which ended in tears for me, and him telling me that he knows its hard and he will see me through it and support me no matter what.  Shel (my husband) has been so great. This fast IS harder than I thought it would be.  I look back at my well intended posts on how to keep a good attitude and my chin up.  All good ideas and they often work, but yesterday there was nothing that worked.  Bottom line, I'm hungry.  It's hard to put a smile on your face when you're a hungry bear.  I also have been making dumb mistakes at work.  Argh!  I'm exhausted.  Irritable.  My mind is tired.  My teeth and ears hurt.  My nose is running.  My stomach is so empty.  I've never felt this empty before.  

THIS IS GOOD!  A part of the journey.  I will work through it!!

I actually think this part is probably the most INTENSE part of this journey.  But what do I know.  :)  I haven't been through it all yet.  Time will tell.

It's becoming more and more real to me that this is way more then about just food.  I'm detoxing.  In every way.  I'm detoxing from an addiction.  I feel like an alcoholic might feel who's alcohol has been taken away.  And I'm getting to the angry stage.  Which WON'T last long because I just won't let it.  I'll work through it with my faith, and support of family, and friends.

Feeling a little vulnerable with this post but I just want to be real.  I know this is a stage and it will pass.  I know why I am doing this. I want health.  I want to overcome my food addiction.

Today was a hard day.

I went through my notes as to WHY I have to do this fast.  I need some kind of reassurance that this is for a good reason.  My notes say "This diet reduces the size of your liver so that the surgeons have better access to your stomach.  It also allows for the safer operation and reduces operation time, complications, and blood loss." Ok then.  

This is Si from my Bariatric Facebook Support Group.  How's this for incentive?!!  I may never look like this beautiful girl but it sure is fun to see these kinds of transformations!  

Before surgery 265 lbs.  After 117 lbs.  5'3".  Age 35. 
No post-op surgery except breast augmentation.  Just exercise.
The after picture was taken 5 years post surgery. 
This is what happens if you do this the right way. 
Nice!  Awesome Si!!!

Update:  I wrote that entry in the middle of the night last night.  Today... feeling much better about life.  :)  Getting used to the empty stomach feeling.  I have no symptoms today other than being un-energetic.

11 Days Until Surgery. Positive Surroundings.

Through pre-op counselling we learned that through the hard times we need some good times.  Logical.  But actually huge.  This is helping me get through the fast with a smiling face (I'm on day 4 of 14) and also a part of over-coming emotional eating.  We need to take care of ourselves and pamper ourselves a little so that we can deal with life's circumstances.  We need to take care of ourselves in order to take care of the people and things around us that we are responsible for.  This sounds really simple but I am really learning that it is true.  Even something as easy as a good nights sleep can make all the difference.

I have dropped a lot of extra curricular activity lately.  I have said "no" to volunteering, MCing (a regular occurrence in my work), and a lot of other stuff for the upcoming fall and winter months.  I've decided to spend my time and energy on my health for the next while. 

I have been very strategic in focusing on my favourite things too.  (I am SUCH a girly girl!) 

Body scrub, body wash, bubble baths.  My favourite things.

Candles.  My favourite things. 
(My sister got these for me which I also thought were awesome things to focus
on during the challenging moments to remind me of the important things!)

Extracts.  These have quickly become my favorite things. 
When I have to drink Boost every day for 14 days, these little guys make it WAY more exciting! :)  It actually allows me to get creative with a simple drink.  If anyone ever needs tips on making Boost or Protein Shakes delicious, let me know!  I've come up with some REALLY yummy recipes!

My deck and blogging.  My favourite things. 
I am looking forward to sitting here, my deck encompassed with trees, and watching the leaves change during this season.  It's perfect.  Blogging has already and will continue to help me with this journey.  It is therapy all in itself.

I also love reading, watching football/hockey with my boys, and watching 80's flicks with my daughter.  I plan on doing a lot of my favourites during this time to keep myself in good spirits.

Day 4 of fasting:  I miss food!  And I'm hungry.  :)

12 Days Until Surgery. Man Made Nutrition.

My favourite right now: 
Boost with coconut
and banana extract blended
with ice! Yum!!

So if you look at my post from 2 days ago, you will see that my diet for the next few weeks includes a lot of man-made nutrients.   Boost, whey powder, vitamins, etc. 

The fast I am on right now (day 3 of 14) is a cleansing fast prescribed by the doctors.  It includes a lot of diabetic boost and vitamins... and water.  Half way through the first day I got the sweats.  I can feel my body detoxing. Clearly there is something about this fast that works.  The main goal: To cleanse my liver.  Often overweight people have fatty livers which must be cleansed for the surgery and what's to follow (sorry if this is repetitive).  I'm down 10 lbs after 48 hours.  Wow.

My goal AND the doctors goal is to have me off these man made nutrients and on wholesome good well balanced nutritional food by 3 months. 

For now... bring on the Boost!

Day 3 of the fast:  Today I feel GREAT!  The dizziness, headaches, nausea, etc. are ALL GONE!  I've learned that for most people this stage lasts 4-5 days.  So I am ahead of the game.  THANK YOU to all of my family and friends that have been praying for me!! <3

13 Days Until Surgery. The Support System.

Me and one of my BFF's!

I am feeling a tremendous amount of support.  Support is so VERY important.  Even since I have been open about this on Facebook I have received many supportive messages.  THANK YOU!

What I will go through will not be all easy.  But worth it.

My husband and kids were a little leery at first.  Now they are either happy for me or trying to be happy for me.  :)  Yet concerned.  We all know this is a very big step. 

My husband this past weekend.... OH MY GOSH... what a sweetheart!!  He was the most supportive ever.  He has his very own post coming up.

A part of the counselling process was to figure out who is supportive and keep them by my side.  I have my husband and kids who have made a decision to support me no matter what.  I have several people at work who are very supportive and encouraging.  I have sisters who are extremely happy for me and supportive.  And I have 2 best friends who are 100% supportive and have also committed to praying for me through this all.  They even took me out the other night and boldly prayed for me and encouraged me.  My final and most important support is God.  Him and I are tight.  I trust Him with this.  :)

The last time I went to my Dr.'s office she hugged me and said that she was so happy for me.  She went on and on about how my quality of life will improve.  I left super excited!

It is so important to keep the positive people close by in order to stay healthy minded about this!!

My "Fast" Update:  I'm into Day 2 of my fast.  Yesterday by noon I broke out into the sweats.  I  couldn't sleep at night.  I was dizzy, headaches, SWEATING (so much!!!) and felt like I was hallucinating a little. I was not prepared or educated about this. Crazy.  I can literally feel toxins coming out of my body.  I lost 7 lbs from morning to night!  Warning: TMI... Going to the bathroom... not pleasant.  My breath... not pleasant (hello breath mints!).  My body odor... not pleasant (yay for showers, deodorant, body spray, body scrub, and all those other pleasant smelling girly things!).  The detox is definitely doing it's job!  It's hard to go through, but it feels good to know the yucky stuff is coming out of my body!!

14 Days Until Surgery. My Life Is Changing - Starting Today.

Today I start my fast!!  Diabetic Boost, clear fluids, and no sugar for 2 weeks!

I weighed myself this morning.  The number has been recorded.

 

Here we go!!
 

 

MY WEEKEND!!

 

My incredibly supportive hubby took me to Grand Forks for the weekend where he proceeded to spoil me rotten as promised (we celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary which will actually be on Sept. 11 at which time I will be fasting).  He took me to the Red Lobster for a late lunch on Saturday, a restaurant that we both LOVE, and ordered the full nine yards!  Grilled lobster, garlic shrimp, scallops, flounder, calamari, stuffed mushrooms, salad, rice, broccoli, and my absolute favorite coconut shrimp with pina colada sauce.... YUMMMMMM!!!  And then those warm cheese biscuits!  AND a strawberry pina colada for me to drink.  So, yeah!!!  We both stuffed our faces and it was delicious and a lot of fun. 

We were so full after that that we didn't eat until we had ice cream at the Cold Stone Creamery in the evening.  What a delicious day! I probably don't need to eat for a week after that anyway.  :)

AND WE SHOPPED.

NOT for clothes... because that would be basically useless right now.  We shopped for post-op and pre-op "food".  When I first started with the education process with this surgery, they told me that Manitoba Health would cover the cost of everything except for shakes and supplements.  Little did I know how much this would come to.

This is my haul so far:



Here's a rundown of the items required by the Bariatric Clinic for pre-op and post-op diet, in order to load up my body with nutrition before surgery (to cleanse my liver) and after surgery while I heal.

PRE-OP.  


I've got my Diabetic Boost.  Starting today I will have 5/day for 2 weeks.  No more.  No less.

I've got my extracts.  It was recommended we buy extracts to flavor our Boost.  We got a small "Boost Recipe Book" that included all kinds of different ideas, like warm vanilla boost + instant decaf coffee + caramel extract = "cappuccino".  Or vanilla boost + banana extract + coconut extract + ice = "pina colada".  I guess I'll see what I can come up with in the next few weeks!

I've got my tea.  I can have as much as I want at any time.  No sugar though.  Just Splenda.

Shel bought this for me on his last business trip.  What a sweetie!
It sure will be a treat in the next 2 weeks!

I've got my sugar free un-carbonated beverages.  I'm sure I will be buying a lot of Mio and Crystal Light in the days to come.






I've got my vitamins.  I have been and will continue to take Prenatal, D, B12, Biotin, Iron, and Calcium so that my body is getting all it needs before and after all these changes.  These have been prescribed to me according to several blood tests in the past months (except for Biotin - my choice for strong hair and nails which reportedly may suffer through the changes).  All Bariatric patients in Manitoba must take Prenatal Vitamins.

 

POST-OP.  Stage 1 (1-2 weeks).



 

I've got my protein powder.

I've got my high protein boost.

I've got my broth.  Yay!!  :)

I've got my sugar free jello.

POST-OP. Stage 2 (2-6 weeks).

Pureed food.  At which time I plan on pureeing actual real food.  My first "real" meal will be broccoli and cheese.  Looking forward to it already!  :)

HERE WE GO!!




17 Days Until Surgery. Weekend Getaway.

This week was super crazy. My anniversary is coming up with Shel and so he is taking me out for the weekend to Grand Forks. He says we will go wherever I want to go and eat whatever I want to eat. What a sweet guy. So I have a couple of days to just relax before I start to fast on Monday. I have a couple of days to have all my favorite food and drink. I am getting nervous but I feel like I have a ton of support. My coworkers took me out for lunch today. What a great bunch of people. They have been super supportive. So I just have a couple of days until my life starts changing in a huge way.  So I will sign off for a bit and just chill this weekend. To whomever is reading this I hope you have a great weekend too!!

P.S.  I got a call today that my final pre-op appointment is Sept. 12.  They said it would take several hours.  I wonder what THAT entails!!!  Time will tell.  :)

18 Days Until Surgery. Barium Swallow.

Today this happened.  (This isn't actually me.)

I drove to Winnipeg early this morning for a Barium Swallow.  I had to drink a chalky substance and they filmed me by x-ray while I swallowed.  This is a procedure used to examine the upper gastrointestinal tract, which includes the esophagus and my stomach.  Pre-op stuff.  Yay.  I AM very happy they are being so thorough!

18 days.  OH MY GOODNESS!!!!

19 Days Until Surgery. Stress?

Mini rant:  Due to multiple circumstances at work, I'm feeling pretty stressed.  I had the flu last night.  Thank Jesus it passed.  My hubby is on another business trip.  Long weekend coming up.  Increased work load.  My partner in crime at work had a loved one pass away.  And several people at work have had their significant other break up with them.  A lot of heart break.  Trying not to take it on myself.

On top of that I have doctor's appointments, doctor's appointments, and more doctor's appointments.  So I've got to up and leave, drive to Winnipeg, come back, work some more, etc., take care of the kids..... however, sometimes I think it's the kids that take care of me.

I'm gearing up for the fast that starts Monday.  Phew!!  Feels like a little much today.

20 Days Until Surgery. What Will People Think.

I am not asking for nor do I need your approval.  I hope that doesn't sound too harsh.  :)

When my doctor first offered this surgery to me there were several people in my life extremely opposed.  I often hear people tell me that I don't need to lose weight or this is too drastic, etc. 

Being on the radio, I feel like I am a friend to those in the community (for those that allow me to be).  I care about the people I meet in the community and I honestly feel some of them care about me too.  I love it.  With that I will often get their opinions as well.  This is great.  I feel honored that people care about me. 

I do want y'all to know though, that I do feel that this is the right decision for me so I ask that you respect that.  (I have not taken this decision lightly!)

This surgery is a MAJOR life changing decision.  I will surround myself with loving supportive people!  I hope if you are reading this, that is what you will be to me.  :)  And hopefully I can be that for you one day in whatever situation you are in!